Page 99 of Duplicity

She hums her agreement and turns away from me so she can tend to the space between her legs.

‘Can I wash your hair?’ I ask.

She turns back to me. ‘I’d love that.’ Her eyes are reddened and puffy, but her expression is dreamy, as if I’ve just promised her a full spa day and not a perfunctory act of hygiene. This is the woman who gives of herself all day long. She serves me all day like I’m some vile little emperor, and then she goes home and cares for her sick, fragile little girl. I decide that this is going to be the best damn hair wash she’s ever had.

‘Good. Hands on my shoulders.’

With my hands full of shampoo, I slide them over her scalp and get to work. She lets her eyes drift shut and I take her in like never before. I reallyseeher. I see the stresses and the sacrifices; I see the vulnerability and the bravery. I marvel at her, at the hidden depths I didn’t even know to plumb. And as I do, I use my thumbs and fingertips to rub at her temples and massage her scalp.

She lets out a little moan. ‘Oh my God. So good.’

‘Good,’ I say curtly. I have no idea if I’ll ever get to hear those moans again for sexual reasons, and just now, I’m not even entitled to entertain the possibility. I haven’t earned the right.

My dick is getting harder. Perhaps it is time for a little distraction, after all.

‘So if Tabby is actually a human, who the hell is that dog you showed me?’

She opens her eyes a little and laughs weakly. She’s still pretty shaken up. ‘I’d forgotten about that.’

‘Well?’

‘Daniel the Spaniel.’

‘Daniel the—good Lord. Okay, I think I see why you didn’t want to bring him into the office, in that case. He yours?’

‘He’s my parents’, actually.’

‘Strong name. Maybe I should have gone that route for Mark. Daffy the Staffie? Raffy the Staffie?’

She laughs a little, then hesitates. ‘I’m sorry I lied to you about so much. For what it’s worth, I hated every minute of deceiving you.’

‘Head back.’ I swallow as I angle her head so that I can rinse out the suds. I’m not about to make her feel bad, but the truth is that I wish she and Athena had had enough faith in me to let me in on their secret from the outset. ‘You don’t need to apologise for anything,’ I tell her, ‘but I wish you’d trusted me to tell me. It wouldn’t have changed anything for me.’

She opens one eye to peer at me. ‘With all due respect, Brendan, that’s bullshit and you know it. You would never have hired me if you’d known I was a single mum.’

Hearing her swear makes me a little relieved. It’s a small sign that this crisis hasn’t completely wiped out her life force energy.

‘What, you thought I’d take one look at that beautiful little girl who has your eyes and your smile and run for the fucking hills? Is that it?’ The vehemence in my voice takes even me by surprise, but she just rolls her eyes before closing them again.

God, she’s exhausted. She needs a nap, and now. I pump a dollop of conditioner into my hand. I have no idea how much is enough, but I pull her out from under the spray so she’s leaning against me again. Once I’ve covered both my palms in conditioner, I begin to smooth it down her hair. It might not be perfect when I’m done, but it’ll be clean, at least.

‘I think you’re rewriting history a little,’ she says sleepily. ‘It must have been quite emotive to turn up here and see us like this. But yeah, if you’d found out I had a sick little girl at home and you hadn’t seen her hooked up to machines in a hospital ward, then I think you would have run for the hills.’

The resignation in her voice kills me. I can’t tell if she’s right, can’t think back to the Brendan I was before I met her. I don’t even know who I was before yesterday. I hate that she couldbe correct, that her problems would have meant nothing to me except for potential inconvenience or disruption tome.

‘I’d like to think I’d have taken a chance on you anyway,’ I say. It’s the most truth I can feasibly give her. ‘I was pretty obsessed before you even interviewed, remember?’

‘ButIcouldn’t take a chance on you knowing,’ she says. ‘Seraph was the only way I could get my hands on that kind of money. And I was so, so terrified of the prospect of selling myself to some arsehole. I was petrified. So when Athena suggested we approach you, I did everything in my power to sell the dream. Telling you I was doing it for a gravely ill child was definitely not part of the plan. You were the only one I could trust, Bren. I couldn’t jeopardise that. I’m so sorry.’

That’s the thing that kills me. She went into this whole Seraph thing terrified, and she trusted me to handle her with care. I was theoneguy she felt confident enough working for in this fucked-up dynamic, and I certainly didnothandle her with care. I didn’t treat her with the respect, the decency, that I should have. On the contrary, I treated her like a fucking blow-up doll and not much more.

Dressing her up.

Ordering her about.

Wheeling her out to show her off to my mates.

But after everything I’ve done, she’s the one who keeps saying sorry.

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