Page 10 of The Fire We Crave

Butcher eyes me carefully. I know he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. “You and I both know this isn’t how that kind of thing works. Bottling shit. Pretending everything is fine.”

I force a smile onto my face, even though I can barely remember how. “No pretending. No bottling. I’m back and ready.”

Butcher gives me a look that says the conversation is far from over, but then surprises me by not pushing further. “Well, in that case, welcome back. Glad to see you’re taking care of the medical side of things.” He glances up to the large sign over the building. “We need you back in fighting form. You’ve been missed. And there’s a lot to catch you up on that we couldn’t tell you about over insecure phone and internet lines.”

“Is one of those things how you nearly had Atom tossed from the club because he finally got together with Ember?”

Butcher runs his tongue over his top teeth, clearly struggling for an answer. “Not my proudest moment.”

I huff at that. “If I’d been here, I’d have given you a slap for considering it, Prez.”

“Not as simple as that. There were lines drawn. Expect my men to respect them.” He takes another drag of his cigarette. “But I’ll admit, I’m hating the way Atom and Ember are both keeping me at arm’s length, right now.”

Wrinkles furrow my brow. “Thought you guys talked it out.”

Butcher shrugs. “Of a fashion. But I did some serious damage. The two of them aren’t ignoring me, they’re both even talking to me, but there’s a gap. Some distance. Gonna take a while for the pair of them to trust me. And that’s nothing I can fix standing here today.”

I think about the gap between Quinn and me. Not everything is fixable. In a small way, I let her down. Was never able to figure out what happened to Mel after she disappeared. But Atom, Ember, and Butcher should be something that can be made right.

“Some say life is about learning lessons. Learn the lesson quick, change your behavior fast, and it doesn’t hurt. But if you keep refusing to learn the lesson, it gets more painful each time. It goes from minor consequences to big-ass painful ones.”

Like your own overconfidence. Couldn’t be told that you might be reading the weather wrong.

I wish I could bury the painful thought, but the truth is, I believe it. My cockiness got us into trouble almost as bad as the Yarnell Hill fire back in 2013. I fucking studied that shit, and yet I still got caught out by a fire that overtook us.

“Not sure I’m catching what you’re saying,” Butcher says.

I shake my head and come back to the moment. Try to focus on the feel of concrete beneath the sole of my boots, the scent of greasy food coming from somewhere, the sound of an airplane overhead.

“What I’m saying is, you learned it now. You can’t tell a brother who he can and can’t have as his old lady. And you can’t interfere in Em’s life anymore. It’ll just drive a deeper wedge between the two of you. Learn that now, and you got a fighting chance of having a better relationship with the two of them in the future. Have the ability to enjoy your grandkids.”

“Jesus Christ. Not sure I’m ready for a room full of little Atoms.”

I grin at that. “But think about the strength the club will have if they all join. We’d have a defensive row of rock-solid ranchers. Nobody is getting through that.”

Butcher stubs his cigarette out, then drops it in the trash. The move irks me a little. All it takes is for someone to have put their newspaper in the trash and for Butcher’s cigarette to not be properly out, and we got ourselves a fire.

“By the time all those little Atoms are full-grown, someone else will be president. You coming to the clubhouse?”

My stomach flips at the thought of it. “Not today. Got some other life-admin shit to take care of now that I’m back.”

Butcher nods in understanding, and a trickle of shame flows through my veins. “Then show up tomorrow. We got Church at noon. It’s not optional.”

“Understood.”

I watch Butcher as he rides off on his bike. The throaty roar of the engine, the scent of gasoline and exhaust fumes, and the way the sun glints off the chrome makes me envious. Maybe I’ll try the bike when I get home.

Hell, who am I kidding? I can’t even pick up my own fucking laundry without pain.

Just be happy you’re alive.

The unbidden thought feels like betrayal. Like those men who snuck onto the Titanic lifeboats before women and childrenbut were plagued their entire life with the shame of what they did. My life came at a cost.

“One foot in front of the other,” I mumble to myself as I pull out my phone.

I make a list.

A really fucking long one.

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