Page 86 of The Fire We Crave

“Meanie,” she says, but she plays with the knot at the top of the towel and lets it slide open. The fabric of the towel slips, but clings to her breasts. There’s a small sliver of her stomach showing.

I raise an eyebrow. “Don’t play with fire. I might end this by taking it out on your ass.”

Her knees rub together, and I realize I’m going to have to find a different punishment with Quinn because she might like it a little bit too much.

“Were you serious when you said you didn’t want kids?”

Quinn nods. “I’d get my tubes tied now if I didn’t have such a high deductible and if women didn’t get rejected because their husband wants to knock them up so often. I’m on the pill until I can do that.”

“You’re certain?”

“Everything I said was true. I feel like I’ve already lived a life as a parent. In my head, I’m now older than Melody. It’s hard to explain. But that parental pressure, of being tied to someone you’re supposed to love, or making the sacrifices you need for a child…I feel like I’ve spent most of my life already trapped in it. I want freedom, Smoke.”

I slide my fingers between her toes, stretching them wide, before I squeeze the top of her foot and twist it.

“I think, given we’re having a conversation about our future, I think you should call me Ronan.”

“Am I allowed to ask a question, Ronan?” she asks.

“You may.”

“Club girls. Do you intend to give them up?”

“Would be hard to give you the kind of relationship where I treat you like you walk on water if I’m fucking someone else.”

She smiles softly.

“I think we’ve both lost our way. Who knows, maybe we can help each other find the path back to who we are.”

I work on her heel, the base of her foot, feeling the tense tendons beneath my fingertips.

“I like that idea. Will you promise me something, though?”

I glance up from what I’m doing. “Anything.”

“Honesty and communication.”

Two words I want to live by but have found myself coming up short. “You were right, that’s what a good Dom should do. But more than that, it’s what a good man should do. I feel like you’re gonna ask me questions and I’m not gonna like the answers when I look inside myself.”

She tugs her foot out of my reach and leans forward. The towel falls, and it’s hard to not glance down at that fit-as-fuck body of hers. “We’re all imperfect people, Ronan. All of us.”

I run a finger down her cheek. “What if I can’t live up to what you need?”

The moment of weakness catches me off guard. It’s like I just gave voice to a soul-deep fear. Something about this moment and Quinn made me feel brave enough to admit the fears I have.

That my firefighting brothers died on a fucking mountain because I couldn’t live up to being a good enough leader.

That my Iron Outlaws brothers are struggling to come together, and I’m not living up to being a good road captain because I’m wallowing in grief and injury.

That I won’t be a good enough man for Quinn, because I can’t live up to being the man who always makes her feel as special as she deserves.

“I just need you to be in this with me,” she says. “Be in whatever this is. With me. As you are. Without pretense and bravado. Without running away if it gets tough and we ask each other difficult questions.”

I cup the back of her neck and tug her to me. “Then, I’m here. I watched my mother’s constant daily battle with depression. I watched it ruin my father as he struggled as the solo participant in a marriage. If I’m being honest, I’m struggling right now. Survivor’s guilt I’m not ready to talk about. Not knowing what I’ll do next. Struggling to dig my way out.”

“I’ve got a shovel. I’ll help you dig.”

“Quinn.” The word comes out on a heartfelt sigh. Kissing her takes away the ache that had been in my chest since she called me out. “I want that.”

---