Page 44 of The Fire We Crave

“Plus,” he continues, “you should gamify that. Bonus points to the girl who fucks you until you come without causing a medical situation. Get a nurse’s outfit. I fucking love it when Ember plays Nurse Deeks.”

I turn and look at him. “Nurse fucking Deeks.”

He shrugs. “She gives good bed bath.”

“Jesus.” I shake my head. “Not sure I needed to know that about Prez’s daughter.”

Atom just laughs, and we then eat our food in companionable silence.

“You know,” Atom says as he throws a napkin down onto his plate and puts it on the floor next to his chair when he’s done, “nobody would think less of you if you just wanted some time off from the club while you get your body and head back in gear after what happened.”

I look over at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugs, haplessly. “You know what it means. Being here, doing this, takes commitment. A desire to be all in for the good of the club. If you need some time and space to get there, we’ll all be cool. I can continue to carry the road captain load until you’re back.”

“Fuck you,” I grumble.

“You’re down, man,” Atom says. “Not down for the count, but you’re clearly lost. Maybe you’re back there in the fire. Physically, you’re sitting on this chair, but mentally, you’re not here. This is my version of an intervention. Because whatever you say, you are not you right now.”

Different emotions roll through me in waves. I’m pissed that Atom is ruining today, not that I was enjoying it all that much. I’m embarrassed that my best friend thinks I’m somehow less. And I feel a huge wave of shame and guilt when I acknowledge at the pit of my soul that he’s right.

Doesn’t stop me from coming out swinging, though.

“You know what, maybe I’m not the man who left for this jump season. I watched my team die because of instructions I gave to hold their ground. Maybe I don’t need you armchair quarterbacking the way I handle my feelings around that.”

Atom’s face changes, and maybe that’s the toughest part of all. He’s troubled, sad even, and lost.

The logical part of me knows why. He thinks he’s losing me.

Hell,I’mfucking losing me.

I stand, using the arms of the chair for assistance, and it still feels as though someone is shoving a thousand hot pokers into my ribs. “I’m doing fine.”

Atom tips his chin to my midsection, and I realize I have my arm wrapped across it to protect it. “Yeah. Looks like it.”

I make a move to walk off.

“One more thing,” Atom says. “Two, actually. First, I’m here for you. Whatever that looks like and whatever it takes. You wanna get a superlight dirt bike, easier to handle, just so you can ride, I’ll go with you on the same. You need to drink yourself into oblivion, I’ll match you drink for drink, and we can hold each other’s head when we puke. Or you need a ride to a therapist, I’ll fucking drive with you, sit next to you if that’s what you need. I’m gonna get helping you wrong, because unless you tell me what you need, I’m gonna guess, and there’s a high probability that if I guess, I’ll get it wrong. So be angry at me, swear and cuss me out, tell me to mind my own fucking business, whatever you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

I wouldn’t expect anything less from this brother. He’s been that solid and steady rock for me for decades. When I wanted to jump off bridges and rocks into the sea. When I wanted to jump out of planes and take part in sex trains and do a million and one other reckless things.

Maybe that’s what I need. A way to express that energy.

“And the second?”

“A heads up. Quinn is coming with Ember later, and I don’t know if you want her to see this version of you.”

My first instinct is to look around the lot to see if she’s already here. Not sure I like the idea of her surrounded by my brothers, fucking horny lot that they are. The second is, none of the club girls, with their ass cheeks showing beneath cute short skirts, can hold a candle to her, so it’s gonna be like chumming the water.

“She shouldn’t be here.”

Atom looks up at me. “She’s either yours, and therefore she should be by your side, or she’s not yours, and it’s none of your fucking business whether she’s here or not. Either way, she’s coming with Ember, and you have about two hours to decide which version of that you want when she gets here.”

There’s a tightness in my chest, and it’s more than the dressings on the burns and the tape.

“What Quinn does is none of my concern.”

Atom stands and patronizingly taps the side of my face. “You carry on telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.”

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