Page 87 of The Secrets We Built Together

The exchange was so normal, so easy, that for a moment I could almost pretend those three words were still safely locked inside my chest. But then Xander's fingers brushed mine as he handed me the coffee, and the way he quickly pulled back told me he was thinking about it too.

A shower sounded amazing, and I was already staring at the bacon and eggs that Xander was piling on a plate for me and potentially drooling into my coffee. At least some things hadn't changed—he still knew exactly how I liked my breakfast.

My confession hung between us like a third person in the room. It was almost like we'd both retreated to our corners tothink through the next steps. Delaney had texted me yesterday, asking how things were going and reminding me that honesty was usually the best policy. Easy for her to say—she hadn't blurted out her feelings in a moment of weakness and then spent days wondering if she'd ruined everything.

I got my shower, took time to dress in something comfy but that made me look good. When I came out of my room, I found Xander at the cleaned kitchen table, Amelia sitting beside him in the high chair and papers spread out across the table.

"Are you putting the baby to work already?" I asked, going to the table to see what he was doing. "She's only just started thinking about solid food. I'm not sure her union will approve of this."

Xander laughed, and for a moment it was the same easy laugh it had always been. "Definitely not. Nothing but being a kid for this one for the next eighteen years."

My chest tightened at the way he so easily talked about the future. A future we could have together. Even if the two of us didn't work out—even if my confession had scared him away—the reality was that Xander would always be a part of Amelia's life. He was Trace's brother, after all, and there was no way I wasn't going to have Amelia grow up without Delaney and her kids as part of her life. Not if I could help it.

But then my treacherous brain started to fill in the blanks of what Xander's life would be like if my confession drove him away. And I saw him living a comfortable life, in the big, beautiful house he was supposed to be building somewhere out here. He'd probably marry someone wonderful. Someone beautiful and capable who had their life completely together and who wouldn't whisper desperate confessions in the middle of the night. An image of Xander and Billie filled my mind, and I almost staggered away from the table in surprise at the shock of jealousy that ran through me at the thought.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Xander was standing in front of me, looking down at me in concern. The same concern he'd shown before I'd made everything complicated with my confession.

"Nothing, I was just thinking, and my brain ran away with me for a minute." I shook it off.

Xander and I were trying something new. Something complicated but something amazing. At least, we had been before I'd gone and made it even more complicated. Getting worked up about someone who was just a colleague, a new colleague at that, was trouble I didn't need running through my mind. I had enough problems without inviting more along for the ride.

Xander's hand cupped my cheek, and he tipped my head so I was looking at him. "You can talk to me, you know."

The irony wasn't lost on me. He was offering to listen when I'd already said too much, when the words I'd spoken were the very thing creating this careful distance between us.

He looked so sincere, especially with the way that his dark hair was flopping down into his eyes, at the edge of needing a cut. I ran my fingers through it, and he closed his eyes, leaning into my touch. For a moment, it felt like before. Like maybe my confession hadn't ruined everything after all.

This was it. This was my moment. I could bring it up, ask him what he thought about what I'd said, clear the air once and for all.

"I guess I'm just trying to figure out my place in whatever we're calling this thing we're doing."

Coward. I was such a coward.

"I think people call it..." he looked around like he was about to impart some kind of secret. "A relationship."

I shoved him playfully, and he laughed. But there was something careful in his eyes, like he was waiting for me to saymore. Like he was waiting for me to bring up the elephant in the room.

"When did you turn into this happy, goofy guy?"

"I think the moment I realized I didn't have to be who I was always told to be."

That made me sad. Thinking of all the things that Xander missed out on... But it also made me wonder if my confession had made him feel like he had to be someone he wasn't again. Like he had to navigate around my feelings instead of just being himself.

"What's the plan for today?" Xander asked.

"We have Susan visiting this afternoon at 2:30, but apart from that, I guess nothing."

"Do you mind if I spend this morning working? If I can get this ordering done, I'll have the last of what we need to stock the clinic. Billie starts work next week with Booker's physiotherapy, and I can time this to be delivered when she's around to help get the clinic stocked up and in some kind of workable state."

There was that name again. Billie. The woman who made perfect sense with Xander, who wouldn't complicate things with messy midnight confessions.

"Yeah, that's fine. Amelia and I can go for a walk to get out of your hair for a bit."

"You don't need to do that."

"Honestly, I'd go stir crazy hanging around here with nothing to do. I might even be tempted to start cleaning," I shuddered dramatically. "Besides, maybe some fresh air will help me figure out how to be brave enough to have the conversation we've both been avoiding."

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