Page 108 of Tight End

“Okay, you’ve seen. I’m good. Now leave.”

He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I understand why you don’t want to see me.”

“Good, because if I had to explain it to you again, that would be really fucking sad.” Anger bubbles in my veins, my one good fist tingling with all of the reasons why it needs to crack against his jaw and knock him the fuck out.

“Please, Brixton. I need you to hear me out.”

“You had a lot of years when I was ready and willing tolisten. But the shit you spewed was poison. Now I’m supposed to open my ears? Because you’re ready? Fuck that.”

I push past him and stalk toward the door. I shove it open with my good shoulder and walk outside, pacing along the sidewalk like my feet are on hot coals.

He follows me outside. “I was a fucking horrible father to you.”

I spin on my heel, lasering him with a glare. “Fucking A right, you were. And now that you’re here, asking me to listen to whatever bullshit you feel the need to say, I’m just supposed to let you?”

“I’m so sorry, Brixton. There’s no excuse for the way I’ve behaved. I can’t justify it, no matter how devastated I was about you mother’s death. And I hate myself for it. I just…I couldn’t let it go. I tried. But every time I looked at you…”

His voice trails off.

“You don’t have to worry about that ever again,” I snarl.

“I’ve been going to therapy,” he blurts.

“A little late in the game, huh, Pops?” I tug at my hair and continue pacing. “It’s only been about twenty-five years. What the fuck jolted you?”

“Nearly losing you,” he says. “I know you won’t believe it, but?—”

“You lost Mom and Davis and you still didn’t give a flying fuck about me. So why should I believe that almost losing me would make you realize what a fucking raging asshole you are?”

I turn and creep toward him, my voice shaking. “Is this just some bullshit exercise from your therapist? Some sort of 12-Step program or something? Because there’s no redemption for what you did. None.”

My father hangs his head. “I know. And I also know I don’t deserve another chance. I didn’t come here because my therapistwants me to reconnect with you. I’m trying to make myself better.”

Damn if those words don’t resonate.

“I said some horrible things a couple of weeks ago. I was angry, but not at you. I’ve been angry with myself all this time and I lashed out because I couldn’t handle it. I needed to drag someone down with me…and you were there. And my God, I wish I hadn’t spoken those words. I wish with everything in me that I could take them back.”

“I was angry that you came to the hospital when you thought I might die because all those other times, over my entire life, you didn’t care at all,” I say. “So now you decide that you didn’t want your soul stained with the rejection of your only living son? Too bad. That’ll be your demon to battle. I’m finished battling mine.”

But then I slant a glance back at Sam who just appeared in the window and remember.

I don’t need to hang on to the anger anymore.

I don’t want to hang onto it.

It’s been a big, dark, toxic cloud over my life for too many years, and it finally dissipated when I woke up from the shooting.

I stood up to those demons and told them to fuck off.

Taking a deep breath, I look at my father’s crestfallen expression.

As if he really believed I was just going to forgive him for a lifetime of hurt.

“I’ve looked for your approval for my whole life. I thought I’d never be deserving of love because of the blatant ways you rejected me. I’ve had to deal with intimacy issues and survivor’s guilt and a whole boatload of other crap because the one person who should have loved me and protected me no matter what kicked me to the curb like I was trash. You werenever there for me. Ever. And I won’t ever allow you to cast a shadow over my life again.”

I walk toward the revolving glass door, then turn one final time. “We share a family. We have Allie and Jules. I don’t plan to run from events because we’ll both be there together. I won’t hide from you. But I’ll tell you right now that civility is the best you’ll ever get from me. And to be honest, it’s a very generous offer, considering the hell I had to go through as your son.”

He drops his head, his shoulders slumping. “I understand. And I don’t blame you. Thank you for listening, and…be well.”

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