Page 8 of Go Deep

I shift on the table, stifling a groan. “What about him?”

“You guys were together a long time. How are you dealing with the breakup?”

“We were together for a year. As far as I’m concerned, it was eleven months too long. It was never going anywhere.”

Colin and I don’t have the typical player-doctor relationship. He’s been like a second dad, one who always accepted me the way I was, the way I wish my real dad had. Coming out is never easy, but to face adversity on the home front just plain sucks. Colin went through it himself. He gets it.

My dad and I had been so close before I dropped the bomb. When Julia and I split, the dynamic changed. There was a permanent shift in our relationship. Pieces that fit together so perfectly for years now had rough edges that just wouldn’t mesh.

His reaction made me feel like maybe we’d never had such a great relationship after all, that it was all bullshit. He loved me as long as I acted like the son he’d always wanted.

But I wasn’t that guy. I tried to be, but I had to stop lying to myself. To my family. To the world. And my father should have supported that. He should have loved me regardless.

Cracks in the foundation made for a very shaky erection, no pun intended. So long as I was just like him, we were cool. Any deviations…or deviance, in his eyes…wouldn’t be tolerated or acknowledged. The tides finally turned when he was on his deathbed and told me he loved me, but by then, so much time had been wasted and too many scars remained.

Such is life.

I was in a bad place when Shane and I met. I figured we’d just fuck around, but he kept coming back for more. My dad’s illness had attacked him full force by then and his months had been numbered. I needed a distraction and being with Shane was convenient and easy.

Shane was my rock, and I gave him nothing in return except heartache. I took advantage because I was lonely and sad. But he wasn’t enough. His love would never be enough to sustain me, and before long, I was banging random guys because it was the only way to fill the void. I tried to change for him, for myself, but it was futile.

I was…am…too broken.

“Shane was a good guy. Always looked out for you.”

“He was too needy. It smothered me.” Could I be any more of an asshole? Like I don’t have enough of my own baggage weighing me down. What the hell qualifies me to be the judge and jury for anyone else on this planet?

“You don’t have to put up a front with me, Gabe. I know you’re hurting, but you can’t let grief and regret poison every aspect of your life. You need to let that pain out or it’ll eat you alive.”

Funny, I’m pretty sure it already has. My insides are hollow, riddled with wounds that I’m convinced will never heal. A few words on my father’s deathbed only left me with more anger and regret. Closure is a luxury I’ll never afford.

“Have you spoken to your mom?”

I let out a deep sigh. “She’s still on my ass to get tested. Pretty relentless. I’ve stopped answering my phone.”

Colin is silent for a second, his fingers still digging into my sore muscle tissue. I grit my teeth. Jesus, the torture just never ends.

“How much longer are you going to hide from this, Gabe? Isn’t it better to have the facts? The league isn’t requiring testing for Huntington’s, but don’t you want to know for yourself? To hear your options? I get that you’re worried about your future, but?—”

“My future?” I let out a dry laugh. “Doc, you know exactly what it’s like to have people judge you because you’re differentfrom them, when they don’t agree with how you live your life. I tried to be strong and honest about who I really am. Some people accepted it, some didn’t. I lost a lot of fans because I came out. Now I’m expected to throw another wrench into my career by getting a test that may confirm I’m about to be pummeled by a disease that will completely shut me down for good?”

“You can’t hide from it.” Colin gives me a finishing pat, and I sit up on the table. “People know about your dad. They know how he died. And they have questions. They want to know if you’ve been tested. They want to know if your days are numbered. Not just the fans, but management. The longer you run from the facts, the more doubt you plant in their minds.”

“And risk what may be left of my career?”

“Think about it. If you go into free agency after your contract ends, do you really think another team is going to pick you up? You’re too much of a risk right now, and your record doesn’t mean shit. You’re worried about your career coming to an end, and yet you’re the only one who can stop that.”

Colin runs a hand through his dark hair. “I’ve always admired your strength. You always face adversity with your head held high — on the field and in your own life. The media went crazy when you came out, but you did it because you wanted to live your life your way. You have a chance to shut this doubt down for good, to make the most of your career, and to shine like the star you are.”

“Ifthe test comes back negative.”

“You’ll never know unless you take the first step. People will speculate unless you give them facts.”

“I shouldn’t have to take a test to shut everyone up.”

“No.” Colin cocks an eyebrow. “You should do it because knowing will be better in the long run. You can starttreatments early instead of letting too much time pass. The longer you wait, the less likely you’ll be to manage the symptoms.”

I shake my head. “I have too much to lose.”

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