Page 75 of The Progressions

“Daddy, wake up,” I said. “Please, open your eyes! Please!”

EMS got there quickly and put him on a gurney, and we followed it down the path to the ambulance in the parking lot. Iva was telling me that it would be ok and that I had to calm down to drive. “You can’t get in a wreck, Kasia! That won’t help!” she repeated over baby Balderston’s wails.

“Here, he’s cold,” I said, and gave her my coat to cover him. “Iva…” My voice broke.

“Your dad will be ok. He’s already waking up! Don’t worry,” she told me, as if that had ever worked on anyone, including her. “We’ll come in my car and meet you there.”

“What? No, there are too many sick people in the hospital. Don’t bring baby Balderston.”

“I have to name him,” she said, grimacing. “I don’t want you to be by yourself.”

I told her to stay put, and that I’d let her know how my dad was. Then the ambulance was leaving and I tried to make myself stop shaking enough to unlock my car, get in, and drive without hitting light posts or anything else, especially not people or other cars.Wierze w Boga…

I thought that the staff at the desk were the same women who might have been there when I came with Iva—except Tyler had been here, too. I looked at the other expressions of misery and worry surrounding me in this waiting room and I wished he were here now. I tried to text him but my fingers kept sliding to the wrong letters because they still shook so much.

“I’m in the ER,” I sent, after fixing all the words, and then I added, “With my dad,” in the next message so he would understand who was in trouble. “I think he had another stroke. I think he’s going to die.”

I stopped because my sob had sounded way too loud, even in here where there was a constant hum of voices and machines, and at a higher volume than that, there was someone yelling that it hurt and please make it stop. I glanced around but luckily, I hadn’t disturbed anyone, so I rubbed my neck and looked at my phone again.

“I tried to train myself out of falling to pieces and behaving this way when someone’s sick,” I told Tyler. “I tried to make myself stop being useless. I can’t stand the feeling of being so helpless here.” I watched the screen, but there was no reply.

I did hear from Iva. Miss Gail was in the air already, on her way to Detroit. As far as my friend could tell, the Woodsmen plane had finally taken off, too, but she wasn’t sure where they were. She and baby Balderston were going to do one more diaper change and then they were coming.

“No, don’t,” I told her firmly. “Repeat that to Miss Gail so she doesn’t turn around and fly north again. I already wrote to her that it’s going to be fine.” But then I wrote to Tyler, too, and it didn’t sound fine at all. “My dad turned so grey and it was just like when I found him after the first stroke. He had been on our kitchen floor all day, dying, and I can’t even be in the house without picturing him and the toast that he’d dropped on the floor. It was jelly-side down. Doesn’t that always happen? Why does that always happen? I could hear myself screaming his name and I think I did that again today.”

The doors opened and another gurney came in with a crashing sound that made my head snap up to look, which made my hand fly back to my neck. Another poor patient had arrived. I hoped people had come with him or her, a big group so that they could be together. It was better that way.

“I’m so glad I have people now,” I wrote to Tyler. “I’m so glad that Iva and I are friends and she has baby Balderston. I’m glad I have your mom because I like her so much. I’ve been thinking that maybe my mom would have been the same way, if she were still here. She’d want to do my hair and talk about things, and she’d worry about the choices I was making. Your mom likes me too, I’m pretty sure, but maybe one day she might love me?”

I sent that and looked at the doors through which they had rolled my dad. There was no sign yet of anyone coming out to tell me anything, that he was ok, or…he had to be ok.

“You said that you loved me. You wrote it in my book and even if you didn’t quite mean it in the way I hoped, I’m happy that it’s there. Maybe you were thinking of loving me as good friend, or maybe it was because of sex? You could have felt emotional about that. I think you would say that you don’t get emotional, but I know you do. You feel a lot of stuff, a lot more than you want to admit.”

I nodded and sent that, but I had more to tell him. “Even if you’re not with me right now, you’re here, in my world. I’m so glad and I’m so lucky. I’ll always look at that page in my book and remember how we spent the night together—not the whole night, but the part when we were together was perfect. It wasn’t only how you set the record straight about my sexual organs being in working order, either. Although that was wonderful.” I repeated, in capital letters, “WONDERFUL.”

There was no answer but it was ok. I kept writing.

“I’m not sure exactly when I knew, but I’ve realized how much I love you. I love you, not just like friendship and not because we slept together. I love you.” I sent it, and wiped under my eyes. “You know how Matthews is always looking for you on the field?” Tyler was now the primary option in the quarterback’s progression, how the QB read the offense and defense to find a route for the ball to travel. “I started to feel like that’s life, too. Like there are so many ways to go, and we have to choose the onethat will carry us the farthest and in the best direction. You’re that for me, Tyler.”

“Family of Jerry Decker?” a voice asked, and I jerked to my feet.

Not too much later, texts started to flood my phone right back. Miss Gail had landed in Detroit and had already rented a car to return, because driving would get her here faster than another plane. I said no, she did not have to do that. Iva was saying that she would be careful with Baby Balderston but they couldn’t sit in the condo while I was alone and needed them, and they were coming, too. I also told her no, absolutely not. But Tyler…he said he had landed and was on the way, and I said to please, please come.

“I’m driving fast,” he wrote. “Very fast.”

Then he did arrive, walking into the room where my dad rested on the hospital bed and I sat rubbing my neck in the chair wedged in the corner next to that. He looked from me to my father and his face was so worried that I almost started to cry. Again.

“Jerry, how are you doing?” he asked, and at the same time, he held open his arms. I stood up and walked over, tripping on something under the bed, and fell right into him.

“I’m ok,” my dad answered, his voice hoarse. “I was pretty dehydrated and they’re watching my blood pressure. I’m going to have to stay the night.”

“But it wasn’t another stroke,” Tyler confirmed. He was holding me tightly to his chest. “What about you, Kasia? How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” I answered. I pulled away and nodded, because this behavior would upset my father and he didn’t need that. “I was worried, but I’m ok now.”

He put his palm on my cheek, cupping my face and tilting my head so I would look up at him. “You scared me to death. When we landed and I saw everything you wrote, I tried to make them stop the plane on the runway so I could climb the fence to get to my car. I never ran faster.”

“Even faster than on your prom night? I’m sorry I made you worried.”

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