Page 88 of Hounded: Ashes to Ashes

Evander turned so we stood side by side with our backs to the group at the hot dog stand. I couldn’t look at them, either. It was too much to see Indy grinning and chatting with Gunnar like they were old friends. Too hard to acknowledge how close Sully and Whitney had become, sharing touches and affectionate glances. All of it made me ache.

“I could force him to go,” Evander said. “But I think the transition would go more smoothly if you were involved.”

My head dropped, and I mumbled into my chest, “You want me to talk him into it.”

“I want youinvolved,” Evander corrected. “In whatever capacity you’re able.”

I kept my gaze down, sinking lower and lower until all I could see was the wooden boards between my feet.

“Can I have some time?” I asked quietly. “A few days?”

“What for?”

I was too empty to cry. Cavernous, and cold, and oppressively dark, the way I would be after Indy was gone. He would take it all with him: my light, my joy, my love, and I would facilitate it. But I needed time…

“To breathe.”

The silence between Evander and I allowed the Luna Park ruckus filter in. Peals of laughter and music and cheerful conversation. People making memories like Indy and I had, year upon year, decade after decade. Soon, that would be all I would have of him: the memories that kept him alive in my mind every time he died.

“We can wait a few days,” Evander said. “Then you’ll call me? When you’re ready?”

I dipped my head once more, then the angel clapped his hand on my shoulder and walked away, carrying his broom and dustpan with him.

The cotton candy was pinned under my arm, slowly going flat as the air squeezed from the bag. I stared across the water for another minute or two and tried to do what I said I needed to. Breathe. Fill the hole in my chest with air and hold it until my lungs burned.

When I walked back to Indy and the others, I felt like I was moving in slow motion. He had a hot dog for each of us and a smile just for me. Twisting open the cotton candy, I pinched off a piece and held it out in a wordless offer.

His grin turned lopsided, and he pitched forward to take the bite between his teeth. The pink puff hit his tongue and began to dissolve, making him giggle. I bent in, not caring who might stare as I cupped the nape of Indy’s neck and tilted his head back for a kiss.

The taste of vanilla lingered on my lips as Indy pulled away with his eyes wide.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asked.

I tried to string words together, but they all slipped away, falling out of reach and leaving me speechlessly staring at his freckled cheeks, his purple curls, and his button nose.

“Love you.” He pushed up to kiss me again.

I knew that. Really, I did. But I needed to hear it every chance I got from now till the end, so the sound of his voice would stay with me when he was gone. Another memory. Another ghost.

I would gladly be haunted.

Indy

The restof the night at Coney Island, Loren was quiet. Devastatingly so. It seemed whatever progress we’d made had been undone, and I couldn’t fathom why. I stayed by his side while Gunnar and Dottie binged on rides, Sully and Whitney made eyes at each other, and Abigail watched with mute interest. Apparently, we had another wallflower in our midst.

After we returned home, Loren barely waited for me to change into pajamas before dragging me into bed. The contact, the affection, came as a relief. I slept till morning and woke tangled in his arms. He nosed into my hair and trapped my legs between his, and the silence was tolerable. It was cozy and intimate, and I caught myself nodding off.

When I roused again, it was well past noon. Loren had shifted down in the bed to rest his head on my stomach and wrap his arms around my waist. He lay there, settled in and softly breathing while he stared out the bedroom window.

I smoothed my hand through his hair, then sectioned off one silky black lock to twirl around my finger.

“Did you have fun at the park?” I asked. “I thought it went well.”

“Mmhmm.”

Today was another bad day. The melancholia, the depression, cast a shadow over our trailer. Despite my presence, Loren was alone in it. Trapped in the dark, plagued by unhappy thoughts that robbed him of peace.

I hated it.

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