Page 46 of Saving Noah

“Not gonna happen, babe. Not gonna happen.” His lips gently touched Noah’s mouth, just a playful peck. “Tell me, Noah. What did you think I had planned for you tonight?”

Noah wanted to lose himself in Zach’s kiss, pretend like he wasn’t being the biggest pussy in the entire world, but his lover wasn’t going to allow it. “You planned on taking me out somewhere nice…like normal people do. Don’t try to cover for my inability to go on a date by acting like you were taking me to the building restaurant. It’s a sweet gesture, but I’m not falling for it. I’m pathetic, Zach. I tried so hard. I wanted to be able to do this for you…for us. I honestly did. Please believe I did.”

“Okay, first of all, I’m spanking you for the ‘normal’ and ‘pathetic’ comments, so go ahead and pencil that in on your schedule. It’s going to happen, and it’s not going to be love taps. Secondly, give me a little credit, babe. I might not be an expert on agoraphobia, but I’ve studied every single piece of medical literature I’ve been able to get my hands on. I wasn’t about to try and force you to leave your safety zone after only one month of solid treatment. Actually, I probably won’t be the one to ever suggest you leave. That’s going to be all on you. I just plan on being here to hold your hand when you’re ready.”

Noah’s nose scrunched up. “What were you planning, then? You were way too excited for it to be one of our normaloutings.”

“Well, my brilliant plan was doing something totally romantic, totally new, and, hopefully, totally close enough to your safety zone you would be able to feel comfortable enough to give it a try.”

Not only was Noah intrigued, but his heart did a happy dance right inside his chest. It grooved to some old Britney Spears nonsense. “What were you thinking?”

“Follow me,” Zach said as he tugged him toward the stairs instead of the elevator. “Just promise me you’ll tell me ‘no’ whenever it stops being fun. Promise?”

“Promise,” Noah answered as he eyed the stairs with trepidation. He’d taken the stairs before, so he should be able to accomplish that simple task. He didn’t do it often, so it took him out of his comfort zone, but it was still in the greenlight district.

It surprised him to see Zachary head up the stairs instead of down. There weren’t any other apartments above them, so he wasn’t sure what he had in mind. When they reached a small landing, Zach pulled a key card out of his pocket and nodded toward a metal door in front of them.

“This leads out onto the roof…ofourapartment building,yoursafety zone. I have a dinner table set up for us,really closeto the door. Candles, twinkling lights, flowers…all sorts of romantic shit. I know this is a huge step, Noah. You haven’t been voluntarily outside in years. If you feel comfortable with it, I want you to try and focus on assuring yourself this is your safety zone. There is absolutely nothing on the other side of this door that can hurt you. I’ll be with you the entire time. We’ll leave the door propped open. It’s exactly four steps from your chair and this entrance. Three really big steps.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Outside. Zach wanted to take him outside. There were things outside capable of hurting him, wanting to hurt him. He spent every moment of every day trying to hide from the things on the other side of that door. Evil lurked outside the walls of his safety zone.

What would the night air feel like against his face? It had been so fucking long since he’d felt it, making it almost a fantasy that had never really existed, something he’d made up in his head. It was fall. It would feel so damned good. Four steps. Three big steps. Zach would be right there with him. Nobody could hurt him.

There wasalwaysa way for someone to hurt him.

His first step toward normalcy was right in front of him. Zach had told him they could stop and come back inside any time he wanted. Feeling sick but determined, he nodded at Zach and then quickly moved to stand behind the larger man. For some reason, having Zach between him and the outside world seemed like the most plausible plan before him.

“You sure?” Zach asked, his eyes searching Noah’s face for some sort of sign telling him how to proceed.

Noah doubted he would see any nuggets of wisdom. He was pretty much flying by pure adrenaline at the moment. The fact he could very well crash and burn at any given second was forefront in his mind.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he answered truthfully. When he heard the key card click the lock mechanism, his stomach tumbled and his heart leapt. What did he think he was doing? Love didn’t cure everything and solve every problem. No matter what his silly heart felt for a man who would probably never return those feelings, it couldn’t conquer his psychological fears.

He was just about to run for his life when Zach turned back around to look at him, one hand holding the door cracked and one hand holding Noah’s hand like a fucking lifeline. Something in that look, in the strength and warmth of Zach’s grip, caused Noah’s feet to remain planted where they were. Love might not be able to conquer all, but his heart told him Zachary Meadows could damned well conqueranything.

He nodded to Zach.

“Four steps and sit down in a chair. I’m right here with you, babe. We stop anytime you want to,” Zach said softly.

“Three big steps and sit in a chair. Got it,” Noah answered, choosing the shorter, quicker option. He’d take a victory wherever he could find one.

Zach smiled and winked. “I’ve got you.” Then he slowly opened the door.

*****

Zach couldn’t have stopped the silly grin stretching across his face if his very life depended on it. Noah did it. Noah was officially his hero. The three big steps took exactly sixteen minutes, most of that time spent with Noah waffling at the door, turning his back on the outside, turning back around, waffling, baby-stepping, laughing deliriously, sweating profusely, and finally, taking the plunge.

“How are you doing, babe?” he asked as he took in every single detail of Noah’s body language and facial expressions. Noah gripped the sides of his seat so tightly his knuckles were a deathly white. His face was pale and his upper lip was coated with dampness. His chest, beneath the cashmere sweater, moved rapidly with deep, nervous breaths, but they were steady and showing no signs of a panic attack. His pupils were wide, his eyes locked with Zach’s.

The planners had done a magnificent job decorating the rooftop for a romantic dinner with candles, flowers, and twinkling lights. Their small round table was set with expensive china and silver cutlery. Next to them sat a serving cart holding prime rib, shrimp, mixed vegetables, and rolls. To add to the celebration, a few bottles of soda chilled in a silver bowl that would normally hold champagne. Every detail was perfect, but Noah hadn’t seen any of it. Those beautiful eyes didn’t look up or down, left or right—only at Zach.

Zach was good with that.

“Hey? How are you doing?” he asked again when Noah didn’t answer.

“Good. Good. Really good.” Noah’s voice sounded one step from losing it. He was so far fromgood, good, really goodZach wasn’t sure if Noah and those words were even on the same planet.

“What are you thinking?”

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