Page 50 of Confessions of Pain

His hands caressed my face, played with my hair, and if I tried to close my eyes again, just for a quick rest, he would flutter my eyelashes. So, he was the bastard that had been teasing me earlier. I might have known. He’d always had an unhealthy fixation on my eyelashes. My journals had notes after notes of how Gabe would want me to tease his cheeks (and other things) with my lashes.

I hoped I had the rest of my life to fulfill all his fantasies, regardless of how weird I thought they might be.

Minutes later, or it could have been hours, I didn’t really have a clue, the tube was out of my throat and the first words I tried to strangle out were, “I didn’t tell them you raped me, Gabe. Never. I loved you. I begged you to love me that night.” Okay, I wasn’t sure I got all those words out or if they were translatable if I did, but I gave it my best shot.

Gabe smiled softly. “I know, angel. I know that now. It wouldn’t have mattered if you did, though. I loved you even when I thought you had. I loved you always.”

“Me too,” I answered, but I felt the tears pooling in my eyes.

Worried, Gabe asked, “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

I shook my head from side to side…lying. I was in pain, but not the physical pain he was talking about. I held so muchbaggageinside of me, and Gabe deserved better. What if he couldn’t handle my mental struggles? I feared that once the option of suicide was put on your plate, would it always be there? Could I ever overcome my desire to hurt myself when my world turned ugly? Did I want to put Gabe through all my shit? Was I truly that selfish?

“Talk to me, Kels,” he urged. “Tell me what’s bothering you. I’ll get you whatever you need.”

I tilted my head and saw Jax and Evie on the other side of the bed, looking down at me and knowing exactly all the bullshit running on loop inside my troubled mind. Evie looked sad. Jax looked mad. Business as usual.

“He’s worried that he’s too much of a handful for you, Maverick,” Jax finally answered. Eyeing Gabe, he added, “He must not think you’re the man I am, ‘cause heknewI could handle him. Is that it?”

“No!” I shouted hoarsely. “You know better than that! You…you know how much I love Gabriel. Stop causing trouble just to be causing it,” I demanded. Jax’s naughty smile told me he felt very confident handing me over to Gabriel Maverick, a step I never thought I’d see Jax take.

“That’s ridiculous, Jackson, because I’m clearly twice the man you are,” Gabe answered. Looking down at me, his eyes soft and full of the love that had been there when we were younger, he said, “If you’re silly enough to worry about whether I can handle your struggles, then I’ll just have to continue worrying about whether I’m worthy of you or not.”

I frowned. “Worthy of me? What do you mean? I’m a mess, Gabe. You have no idea. I’ve got…issues.”

“We all have issues, angel. My issues caused me to run away from you, spend ten years hating you for being so much damned better than me, and then, biggest of all, caused me to come back here and try to hurt you. I’m ashamed of that, Kels—so ashamed of every mean action and word that I tossed in your direction. I did it because I never have thought I was good enough for you.” His eyes cut upward to Jax and he clarified, “Man enough, yes. Good enough, no.”

“How could you ever think that? You’re so much more than me! You were my strength when we were kids. You gave me the strength to climb out of bed every morning and hope for a better future. Even now, after all we’ve weathered, I was stronger after the night we spent together. I…I didn’t want to hurt myself, I wanted to hurt you!” I paused, thinking of how I’d acted when I’d overheard Titus talking into the phone. “Oh, I think I owe Titus a huge apology.”

Gabe smiled. “Titus is fine. He’s one of your family now. You’ll quickly learn that my men are quick to forgive and forget. You’re going to love them, Kels.” His palm cupped the side of my face. “I’ve had good times with them and they’ve been my strength but, even then, I wanted you to be there. Whenever we’d be celebrating a holiday or just watching a football game, I wanted you there beside me. So many times I wanted to tell them about you, but I didn’t have the courage. Since we were separated, I viewed you as my weakness—the only way someone could truly hurt me. I was so fucking wrong, though, Kels. You’re my strength. You make me whole.”

“And this is making me sick,” Jax muttered, but he had a huge smile on his face. “Can you two just kiss and make up already? All the lovey-dovey stuff is making me lose respect for both of you.”

Evie punched him in the arm. “Come on, brother dearest,” she urged as she grabbed his upper arm and forcibly turned him toward the door. “Let’s give them some privacy. You’ll have plenty of time to torment Gabe while he’s here, getting Morganston Textiles strong enough to stand by itself.” She looked in Gabe’s direction and asked, “You aren’t taking him away from us immediately, are you?”

“We’ll stay as long as Kelsey wants to stay, and we’ll go when Kelsey wants to go.” He winked at her. “There’s no reason whatsoever why you couldn’t come with us, Evie. You’d love where we live. Sure, you’d have to leave the Neanderthal behind, but you’re more than welcome to become a part of our little family.”

I punched Gabe. Sure, it was a weak punch, but a punch, nonetheless. He’d have to learn to love Jax. He was part of my package deal. “Don’t talk about Jax like that. I love him like a brother.”

“Noted.”

I guessed that was the best I was going to get at the moment. I’d take it. I had a huge feeling things were only going to get worse between Jax, Gabe, Ethan, and Jeremiah. As soon as they closed the door behind them, I said, “You know Jax wants Titus, right? I can see it in his eyes…hear it in his voice.”

Gabe’s smile lit up his face. “Yeah, I kinda suspected that. I can’t wait to sit back and watch Ethan tear him apart.” He rubbed his hands together in glee. “Cannot. Wait.”

“You know Jax is a badass Dom, right?”

“Noted. I’ll be sure and mention that to Ethan.” He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my dry lips. “You know Ethan knows how to kill a man and dispose of his body more ways than there’s letters in the alphabet, right?”

I liked playful Gabe. “Kiss me again and I’ll tell you some of his weak spots.”

He kissed me, this time playing with my bottom lip long enough that I heard a soft whimper escape my lips when he finally eased away.

“Give me a weakness…other than you and Evie, of course.”

“Uh oh. That’s all I had.”

Gabe nodded. “Yep, that’s what I suspected. Cannot. Wait.” He carefully climbed into bed with me and pushed our hands together, looping our fingers. “I meant it, Kels. We go if you want to go or we stay if you want to stay. I’m with you. Forever.” He nibbled the lobe of my ear. “As in…you’ll never get rid of me.”

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