Page 40 of Confessions of Pain

I could never turn him away.

“You have on too many clothes, angel,” I whispered as I leaned in and nuzzled the tip of his shoulder and then nipped the sensitive flesh with my teeth. A soft moan escaped between his lips but after that, I couldn’t hear anything except him fumbling with the fastening of his belt as he struggled to rid himself of his clothes.

I chuckled and was amazed again at howperfecteverything felt. I paused long enough to remember that when we’d been kids, messing around and learning what each other’s bodies liked, I’d laughed some then, too. After Kelsey left my life, there’d been no laughter or lightheartedness in sex. The only sounds I made might be grunts, groans, or issuing orders. Yeah, I made sure the other person got off, but other than that, they couldn’t expect much more from me.

It was different with Kelsey. It always had been. “Let me help you.” Pushing his trembling hands away, I opened the belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, and then slowly started pulling the denim and his underwear down his lean hips. His shirt had ridden up, and I was given a glorious peek of all things heavenly. His stomach was flat, with a hint of ab muscles, and his hip bones created the sexiest V I’d ever seen in my life. Unable to stop myself, I placed a whisper of a kiss on the flat plane of his stomach. He squirmed.

I kept tugging at the jeans until his cock finally popped free. He was already stiff and leaking precum. My hunger for him raged, and I wasn’t as gentle as I’d like to have been when I yanked his pants off the rest of the way and tossed them across the room. I pulled him into a sitting position and his shirt quickly followed his jeans. It felt as if my body was on fire, raging with a hunger that only Kelsey could quench. When I pulled him close and our chests touched, skin to skin, I heard myself moan, almost a wail as if I was in pain.

“Missed you,” Kelsey said, his lips exploring my neck and earlobe. “Missed you damned much, Gabe.”

Using both hands, he maneuvered my face until we were looking at one another, mere inches apart. “I’ve done a lot of things, Gabe…things I’m not proud of. I have problems and lots of them.” His tongue darted out, and he nervously licked at his bottom lip, like he was gathering courage. Fear spiked in my heart.

“I’ve let other men…touch me…fuck me,” he whispered in shame, as if I would have expected him to remain celibate while we were apart. “I…I wanted to be hurt because I knew I didn’t deserve better and I let them do…things to me.” His eyes met mine and my heart started thumping even harder. “I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d been strong enough to save myself just for you. I…didn’t know if you’d ever come back for me or if you could ever forgive me. Never, though, Gabe,” he vowed with a fierceness I didn’t know he was capable of, “never have I ever kissed another man. I always saved that part of me for you…only you.”

How could I have ever thought myself capable of hating Kelsey? Capable of living without Kelsey in my life? I’d survived the last ten years, but I hadn’tlived. I’d fucked others and I’d even kissed others as I’d tried to purge him from my soul. He,my Kelsey, was so much better than me and so much stronger.

I answered him with pure honesty when I said, “This, Kelsey.” I pointed to my heart. “I always saved that part of me for you…only you.” My heart had always belonged to Kelsey. It always would.

His bottom lip quivered and tears pooled in his beautiful eyes. “I can’t believe you’re giving me another chance. I won’t mess this one up, Gabe. I promise. I’ll be everything you need me to be.”

“I only need you to bemine,” I answered and then my lips crashed against his. Gentle would have probably been the way to go, but at that moment, the word wasn’t in my vocabulary. I plundered. Claimed. Possessed. We kissed until we were both gasping for air. I had no idea how long we were like that, wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing like the moment our lips parted, our lives might end. It could have been five minutes or it could have been fifty. It wasn’t, nor ever would be, long enough.

“I need you to make love to me, Gabe,” he pleaded between kisses. “I need you inside me.Please.”

His words, spoken with uncontrolled desire, acted like strokes to my cock and balls. I was so hard I was afraid I might explode…or come like a fucking teenager before I got a chance to make him scream. I’d learned some new tricks and I couldn’t wait to teach them to Kelsey. Our one and only time together hadn’t been an Olympic triumph for me. Not bad for a kid, but nothing compared to what I could do to his body now.

A bolt of horror shot through me. “Fuck!” I practically roared, causing Kelsey to jerk back in surprise. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Starbursts of panic filtered through my entire being. No condoms. No lube. No…anything.

He deserved better.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” he asked in alarm.

“No condoms, Kels. I…I didn’t really prepare for sex.” I grinned sheepishly at him. “I’m gonna be honest with you, angel. I didn’t think any of this wholerevenge actthrough. My only focus was on being near you again.” I looked around the room, feeling like an idiot. “I don’t have any condoms or lube. Nothing.” I kissed him quickly and jumped up, ready to storm into the bathroom, gather my clothes, and race for the nearest store. “I’ll be right back. Don’t you dare leave. It won’t take more than fifteen minutes!”

He giggled, reminding me of the old Kelsey I remembered. When his hand slowly reached down and wrapped around his own cock, my mouth fell wide open. I knew my pupils were completely blown when he stroked himself. Up and down. Down and back up. My own hand dropped to grip my cock, giving myself a hard pinch at the base. If I didn’t, I would come in my sweatpants, standing right in front of him.

“I’ll be right here waiting on you,” he teased as his hand worked his cock seductively.

“Put your clothes on. You’re going with me,” I snapped, knowing there wasn’t a team of Clydesdale horses strong enough to pull me out the door when Kelsey was lying on my bed, playing with himself. In a last-ditch, Hail Mary, I bent over and yanked open the nightstand drawer, hoping against all hope that Titus might have thought ofthat, too. Hell, he thought of everything else.

“Hallelujah. Praise Jeezus. I’m in fucking love with Titus right now,” I said as I reached into the drawer to pull out the prizes—condoms and lube. “That boy has absolutely no emotions or social skills, but he’s a fucking genius!”

“I’m in love with you right now,” Kelsey answered. “And Titus.”

“Hands and knees,” I barked as the excitement caused my testosterone to go wild. “Now.”

Kelsey didn’t hesitate. His grin never wavered. One second he was looking at me, lips and cock swollen from our play, and the next he was in the center of the bed, on his hands and knees.

His back arched and his ass…Lord, his ass. He was gorgeous, even more than I remembered, and in my dreams, he’d been fucking perfection. This? Fuck, the real Kelsey was almost too much. Too perfect.

In a perfect world, where Smurfs really lived under mushrooms and blue birds really fluttered over your head singing love songs, I would make love to him slowly. I’d torment him until he begged me to fuck every thought of any other man from his mind. Every inch of his body would be explored by my touch. That would be in the perfect world. Kelsey and I lived in the real world though. The world where I needed to be inside of him more than I needed oxygen for my lungs.

I popped open the bottle of lube, squirted a generous amount onto my fingers, and dove toward my prize like a kid picking a stuffed animal at the carnival. My heart felt light and heavy at the same time. The heaviness, instead of being something negative as usual, came from being so full of love. I forced myself to slow down. It felt like I’d waited my entire life for this moment, so I needed to not rush it.

“Uh…is something wrong?” Kelsey asked. He looked over his shoulder at me, a strange expression on his face. It was a mix between worry and frustration. Sexual frustration from Kelsey was familiar. The worry, however, wasn’t…or maybe it was.

“Everything’s perfect, angel,” I whispered. “I’m just trying to slow things down a bit. You deserve better than being manhandled.”

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