Page 28 of Confessions of Pain

“Gabriel! Please tell me you didn’t do something stupid,” Jeremiah interrupted. “I know I don’t understand your entire situation with Kelsey, but it’s obvious that he’s still under your skin, even after all these years and how badly it ended between the two of you. The only way to resolve it is for you to work through the issues, and you need both of you present for that. If you don’t, this entire debacle is going to be a waste.” He waved around the room, indicating the entire Morganston Textile fuck-up I involved them in.

Right about now would probably be a good time to lie about my feelings, not show my hand to my three best friends. I could tell them that Kelsey meant nothing to me and maybe, just maybe, they would shut up about it and leave me alone to wallow in my anger and grief all by my lonesome. It would be safer that way. Lying would tuck away the vulnerability. Lying about Kelsey would be the safest path of operation for me.

“I’m still in love with him.”

Boom. There, I said it. Quietly, I stood and waited for my world to crash down around me. Funny thing, nothing happened. There weren’t any shocked looks. There weren’t any looks of disdain. Nothing.

After a few quiet seconds, Titus looked up from his computer, an utterly bored look on his face, and said, “Uh…yeah, we already knew that, dumbass. Way ahead of you. Question is—what are you going to do about it?” He sent a Titus smirk straight at me as he added, “I mean, I’m Mr. Cold-As-Ice with no emotions, but even I can figure out that you are fucking this whole ‘in love’ thing up. Should I draw you a diagram on how it is supposed to happen? A flow chart? A step-by-step computer program that will, at the most, tell you exactly how to prove your love or, at the least, tell you whatnotto say…because you sure the hell don’t have keeping your big mouth shut mastered as of yet.”

“Titus! Stop being an ass,” Ethan growled at his brother, but his eyes were still locked on mine.

“Just trying to fit in,” Titus grumbled and then went straight back to whatever he was doing on the computer, like I hadn’t just admitted the most monumental secret of my life.

“I think your brother just called all of us asses,” Jeremiah said in a chipper voice.

Yeah, Mr. Matchmaker was as happy as a pig in slop with my revelation.

“Perhaps,” Ethan agreed. “So, Gabriel? What do you intend to do about it?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and widened his stance. Uh oh. He was getting ready for an argument. Perfect. That was all I needed. Hell, maybe it was what I needed. Maybe I needed somebody to just talk me through the mess going on inside my head. Maybe, just maybe, Ethan, Jeremiah, and Titus could help me see that I was just talking bullshit. Karma wouldn’t pull this shit on me. She owed it to Kelsey, not me.

I shrugged. “I don’t have a clue. The only thing I do know is that whatever it is, I won’t be doing it here. Uh…yeah…he won’t come back. Hell, he might try to have me arrested again. Who knows?”

My eyes narrowed when Jeremiah abruptly walked out of the office but seconds later he was back, carrying an office chair. He plunked it down right behind me and then pressed down on my shoulders, pushing me to sit down. “There, babe. You looked like you might be about to collapse at any moment and Heaven knows, Titus wasn’t going to offer to get up and let you use the only chair in here.” He frowned in Titus’s direction but was totally ignored.

Ethan perched his ass on the edge of the desk, looked me square in the eye, and asked, “Did you do something that might get you arrested, Gabe?”

My blood pressure went from zero to stroke level in record time. How could he even suggest that? Did he honestly believe I raped Kelsey the first time? He must if he just asked me that question, right?

Grinding my teeth together, I hissed, “I did not rape him, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Ethan frowned. “Of course that’s not what I was asking, dumbass. I know you didn’t rape him, this time or when you were fucking teenagers, Gabe. I know that. I know you. What I meant was did you do anything that would give him ammunition to use against you? Let’s be honest, he’s proven that he’s capable of lying and not at all afraid to do so, even with the police. Did you fuck him? If you fucked him, he could always twist the facts like he did before.”

I remembered the tear that stained Kelsey’s face earlier. I remembered how he’d done exactly what I asked of him, even when it was painfully clear how hurt and humiliated it made him feel. I remembered the way those eyes looked at me—full of shame and hope. Why?

“Well? Did you? I need to know what we’re up against,” Ethan continued.

“No!” I took a deep breath and tried to soothe my soul. “No, Ethan,” I answered more calmly. “I didn’t fuck him. I wanted to. He acted like he wanted me to, but I didn’t.” Another deep breath. “I may have insulted him. Probably humiliated him. Tried my damnedest to hurt his feelings.” Another breath—this one not as deep, because panic and shame were starting to set in. “Belittled him. Mocked him. Said things to make him feel small and worthless. Almost fucked him but then said I changed my mind because I didn’t really want him after all.”

“All right then. We’ve established you don’t know what the hell you’re doing in the love arena,” Ethan said. “I’ve heard what you’ve said, and I’m still standing firm on believing you just need to get him out of your system. You’re angry, we get that. You have every right to be angry. The mean things you are doing and saying stems from all the unsettled business between the two of you. On the one hand, you want him to be the boy you were in love with. On the other, you want to make him pay for hurting you so badly. I still feel confident that when you spend some time around him, both of those issues will resolve themselves and you will be able to move on…withoutKelsey.”

“Why without Kelsey?” Jeremiah asked. “Why did you have to qualify it like that? You could have simply said that he needed to spend time with Kelsey in order to help him decide what his future looks like and whether or not Kelsey is in it.”

Jeremiah, ever the romantic, planted his hands on his hips and dared Ethan to argue with him. Titus snickered but never looked up. I contemplated throwing my body out the window and plunging to my death. Hell, maybe Ethan was right. Maybe my hate was keeping me from seeing things the way they really were. Maybe I didn’t really love Kelsey at all. I just needed a good old-fashioned purging to get him completely out of my system. Yeah, and maybe pigs would fly and Hell would freeze over, too.

I loved him and I knew it. How in the hell could that even be possible? After everything he’d done to me? Hating him should be easy. Getting my revenge should be a cake walk, but it simply wasn’t.

“What?” Ethan asked. “What are you thinking, Gabe?”

I shrugged, wanting the conversation to end. “I’m thinking it isn’t going to matter anyway. We won’t be seeing Kelsey down here at the plant, and I’m not sure he would ever let me back into his house again.” My head fell back and I stared at the ceiling, wondering how I let myself stoop so low that I would be here, doing what I’d done to Kelsey’s family. “I guess I could kidnap him, make him spend some time with me so we could finish up our old business and finally move on.”

“And he gets more and more brilliant with each word that comes out of his mouth,” Titus muttered.

“If a kidnapping is done properly, it can be very romantic,” Jeremiah said.

“You did not just say that,” Ethan gasped as he turned to look at his lover. “Please tell me you did not just say kidnapping was an acceptable form of courtship.”

“Oh, calm your ass down, I was just kidding,” Jeremiah countered. “Of course Gabe wasn’t really considering kidnapping. Jeez, Ethan, grow a sense of humor.”

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