Page 27 of Confessions of Pain

“Fuck!” I hissed to absolutely no one. When that didn’t get the job done, a string of ‘fucks’ followed behind it, each one louder than the last. What the hell was I doing? Why was I even here? What had I hoped to accomplish? Hurt him? Yeah, I was sure I’d done that, both with the company takeover and the sexual shit I’d pulled on him at every opportunity. So why did I feel like shit? I’d done what I came to do. Hooray.

I knew the answer to all those questions, but I didn’t like it.

I guessed the only question I didn’t have an answer for was the biggie—did I possess the cock and balls to admit what I’d really belly-crawled back to this town for? I still wanted him. I’d never stopped wanting him. I didn’t want to, but that didn’t take one fucking step in the right direction of changing the facts of the situation. Part of me still loved him…and when I said part of me, I meant every fucking fiber of my being.

I glanced at my watch. Yep, it hadn’t been more than four hours since I’d sat down with Ethan, Jeremiah, and Titus to develop a workable plan to give my soul some long-awaited comfort. At the time, it had seemed like a hell of a plan. With their help, we would turn Morganston Textiles around, transform it into a thriving business, and then unload it on another buyer. We’d planned to bring Kelsey back for a couple of reasons. First of all, the company needed him. When Titus dug even deeper into the computer files, he’d found that Kelsey was the only reason Morganston had managed to keep their heads above water in the financial department. Even Titus was impressed by the business maneuvers he’d been pulling out of his ass to keep the doors open, and when it came to business, Titus was hard to impress.

Secondly, I needed him. The plan was for me to spend some time with him, at work only, to help me find the closure I needed so fucking badly. Ethan was certain I could get him completely out of my system if we were forced to spend time together. He swore I would see that Kelsey wasn’t worth all the pain my mind was inflicting on my heart. Both Ethan and Jeremiah reminded me that we’d been nothing more than teenagers and hadn’t really known what the fuck love meant. It had been nothing more than raging hormones. As an adult, I’d see that loving someone that hard when we were that young was simply nothing more than an illusion created in my mind. They didn’t want me to hate him because hate was unhealthy and had made me make a shitty business decision. They just wanted me to finally find a way to move on with my life, to make my heart accessible again.

The plan seemed to be a good one…if I hadn’t still been madly in love with Kelsey.

I dragged myself to my feet and, with one last look at the place beneath the oak tree that forever changed my life, I started the hike back to my rental. I needed to get back into the plant and face the trio of terror again. Oh, and Barb. Barb was going to kick my ass when she heard that I’d acted like a big enough ass that Kelsey would never come back to Morganston Textiles, or at least not while I was there. When I admitted to them what I’d done, Ethan would want to kick my ass. Jeremiah would want to pull me in for a cuddle and tell me everything would be all right. Titus would simply frown, shake his head, and start trying to develop another plan. Ethan handled emotions like I did, barrel through them with fists and cursing. Jeremiah was too emotional, always trying to find love where love didn’t exist. Titus? Well, we’d already established he didn’t understand the whole emotion thing.

Before I knew it, I’d played several scenarios over in my head, none of them pleasant for me, and I was back at the plant, ready to face the firing squad. Climbing out of the car, I told myself it was fair for them to be pissed with me and I needed to take it on the chin—whatever they wanted to dish out, I would just take it. Hell, I was pissed at myself. It was as if an alien invader took over my body whenever Kelsey was around. My heart wanted to do one thing, but my body, and fucking mouth, always seemed to dive head-over-ass straight into the opposite of what my heart was telling me to do.

I tugged open the front door, nodded at the security man Ethan already brought in to keep Wayne and his mini-Wayne brothers out of the plant, and walked straight past a smiling Barb and down the hall to the office designated as mine. I’d barely gotten within two steps of Barb when I saw her smile turn into a frown. It sure the fuck hadn’t taken her long to catch on to my colossal fuck up.

“What did you…?”

I kept walking. I didn’t have the time or stomach to deal with her ridicule and motherly frowns. I had a feeling she would hear it all from Kelsey before the day ended. No, I needed to save up the very last of my emotional energy to deal with Ethan, Jeremiah, and Titus. It had been a good plan. I’d fucked it up. Not only had I fucked it up, but I fucked it up in record time. Was there a book of world records for fuck-ups? If so, my face would be at the tip-top of the fuck-up scale. Fuck.

Okay, enough cursing. It wasn’t helping a damned thing. Shit.

I opened the door to my office and wasn’t at all surprised to find all three men, plus Courtney, invading my space. I was, however, surprised to see an old, ratty desk sitting straight across from the one I’d claimed earlier that morning. They were positioned like we were partners in a police precinct somewhere. What the hell? I didn’t agree to any of them working with me in my personal space, aka hiding spot. I needed my own space. I needed a place to hide and lick my wounds. I did not need any of them watching me wallow in my own despair.

Other than working for Ethan’s private investigation company, my dealings with the business or office atmosphere was nonexistent, but from what I’d seen on television and movies, there needed to be some comfy chairs or a leather sofa in my office somewhere. That way, there would be a place for me to collapse. Oh, and a liquor cabinet with expensive Scotch. I needed that, too. Since I didn’t have any of that, I perched my ass on the end of the desk invading my office and looked at my friends.

Smiling like the lovesick fool he always was, Jeremiah said, “Hey, I had Kelsey’s desk brought up here so that you could keep an eye on…” he paused and his grin grew even wider before he finished, “his work.”

Ethan snorted. “Yeah, that’s exactly what he wants to keep an eye on. Kelsey’s work.”

“Uh…I think I should leave,” Courtney said quietly. “If you need anything else, Titus, just give me a yell. I’m going to go down on the floor and see if anybody has decided to start working yet.”

She ducked out quickly and quietly. I wasn’t sure if our talk made her uncomfortable, because as far as I knew, she might not know that Kelsey was gay. It could have been that or it could have been that, like everybody else I’d encountered in the plant, she held an undying loyalty to Kelsey. I had a particularly hard time believing that with Courtney since she’d been sleeping with Wayne.

“So? How did it go? Is he coming back?” Jeremiah asked, eyes still twinkling with fairy dust and glitter.

“Yeah, I hope you didn’t fuck this up, Gabe, because apparently, nobody wants to do any work unless Kelsey is here. His presence would definitely grease the wheels in helping us get this shitshow turned around so we can get out of this town. Sooooo…did you fuck it up?” Ethan asked.

He wasn’t mad, the bastard just instinctively knew.

“Uh…yeah, let’s work on a Plan B,” I answered nonchalantly. “Kelsey won’t be helping us out with the transition from drowning in a deep hole of company debt to making enough profit to be presentable for sale.” I turned to Titus. “You don’t really need him, do you, Titus? I mean, you’re brilliant, you can make money out of air.”

Titus looked up from where he’d been pecking away on his laptop. He was frowning at me. Shocker.

“Well, Gabriel, I don’t actually need you three either, but it helps that you’re here…just like it would have helped with Kelsey being here. The employees follow his lead and right now, the majority of them aren’t doing a damned thing because he isn’t here to lead. I don’t understand their lack of motivation. Why in the world would it matter if the boy was here or not? They have a job to do, they need to just do it. How hard is that?”

Now it was Jeremiah that was frowning and he shook his head from side to side. “My God, Titus, did you totally miss the emotion gene altogether? Do you seriously not understand why they feel the way they do right now?”

The blank look on Titus’ face confirmed that he, indeed, did not understand.

“Ethan, tell your boyfriend he’s being an ass. I did not miss the emotion gene and to suggest so is simply ridiculous. For example, right now I’m mad at him because he’s been fluttering around the office all morning, starring in a one-man show of matchmakers-r-us. I’m mad at you because you’re not only allowing him to get away with it, but you’ve been sporting a hard-on all morning just from watching his ass.” He turned to look at me. “I’m mad at Gabriel because he obviously behaved like a testosterone-filled bully when he went to talk with Kelsey this morning, and, most of all, I’m mad at myself for missing something as astronomically huge as a rape charge when I started making plans for Gabe to get his happy ending.” His eyes swept over all of us. “Now, is that emotional enough for you, Jeremiah? I’m pissed. I’ll probably remain pissed for the next six months. Pissiness is an emotion, right?”

During the whole of his argument, Titus never once raised his voice. Hell, his monotone hadn’t changed one time. His face wasn’t red. His blood pressure probably hadn’t ticked one point past the I’m-alive-but-not-living number. Nah, he didn’t have a problem showing his emotions—nothing to see here, folks. Keep walking. What-the-fuck-ever.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “What did you do, Gabriel? Are we going to be slapped with an HR nightmare lawsuit?”

Uh…well, yeah, probably. I kept that thought to myself. “No, Ethan. He isn’t officially an employee of Morganston Textiles, so I couldn’t be charged with sexual harassment.”

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