Page 35 of Better as It

My heart drops. “Justin, this isn’t us. This isn’t how we are!”

“It’s heavy,” he warns.

“I’m not a little girl. I’m not the woman you left behind with an apology and goodbye in a bedroom while I slept. I’m strong enough to take loss, whether I lose you or not, I have learned to survive.”

He stares at me letting my words sink in. “Yeah, I heard you as you shattered my world into a million pieces and thought I had to be dreamin’ because no way you’d do that to me without facing me. I guess some things don’t change. You didn’t have the balls back then to face me, face what we shared, and face your club. Now you don’t have the balls to tell me the truth. Good to know I’m the strong one between us, Justin.” Yes all of my words drip in disdain and disappointment. Why can’t he trust me with his shit like I do him with mine?

“You want it, fine I’ll lay it out. And let me say I’m sorry for how this is going to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. It kills me to know you have ever shed one single tear for me. I don’t deserve them, I don’t deserve you, but I’ll be damned if I can stay away.”

“Just land the plane, Justin. Tell me what the hell is going on with you. Let me love you back, dammit. You don’t have to be strong alone.”

He takes a deep breath. “I was already planning to come back here before Clutch died,” he admits. “I wasn’t just floating through. I was headed for the VA clinic.”

My mouth goes dry.

“Why?” I whisper.

He runs a hand down his face. “Gallbladder. Started acting up months ago. Stomach pains. I thought it was diet. Stress. Maybe an ulcer.” He pauses. My heart sinks.

“It’s not like you need your gallbladder.”

He finally meets my gaze. “Had it removed. Did some more tests.”

The long pause rattles me. It’s like I know he’s about to blow my world apart for the second time.

“It’s cancer.”

The room tilts. I step back a little, the words echoing in my ears like gunshots.

“No.”

“They caught it early,” he says quickly. “Treatable. I started chemo. First couple of rounds were pills, they weren’t too bad. That is why I know the baby is Clutch’s. The meds make me sterile. No one knows really, just Little Foot and Rex back in Catawba. For now, I’m trying to keep things quiet. The club as a whole doesn’t know yet.”

I blink, shaking my head. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want it to be a thing. I didn’t want you to carry it with everything else.”

I sit down hard on the arm of the couch. My hands shake. “Jesus, Justin.”

He walks toward me, slow. “I didn’t bring you to that house to distract you. I brought you because I want to be there for you, however long I’ve got. And I hope that is a long time, but you also gotta know it might not be.”

My head snaps up. “Don’t say it like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

I swallow hard, tears pricking behind my eyes. “Are you going to die?”

“Not planning on it,” he says, voice soft. “But I’ve seen enough of life to know not everything goes according to plan.”

I close the space between us, wrap my arms around him, and press my face into his chest. He holds me like he did that night after I called him to save me from the boy pushing for more than I wanted to give.

Tight.

Steady.

Like even now, even with this truth between us, he’s still trying to protect me.

“I just got used to the idea of losing someone,” I whisper. “I can’t do it again.”

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