Page 15 of Better as It

Of course it’s him.

Justin “Toon” Miller is the only one stubborn enough to come out here and stand in place without saying a word.

“I told you when I left my condo not to follow me.” He was literally sitting at my doorstep when I exited.

Who does that?

He’s been gone for years. Now, I lose the man who literally wasn’t afraid to stick around for me and this man, the one who has a piece of my soul comes back for what?

“Didn’t follow you babe,” he mutters the rasp in his voice takes me back to easier days with him. “Went and got coffee, then came.” His voice is low, sandpaper rough, but warm and gentle. “Figure it wouldn’t be fair to Clutch to sit back and watch you like a creeper.”

I say nothing. He waits it out a few seconds.

“You want me to go?”

“Yes,” I whisper as new tears fall from my eyes and I still don’t look at him.

There is a pause. Then I feel him coming closer. He stops right behind me. He doesn’t sit down. Doesn’t crouch. Just lets the moment sit heavy between us.

“I know you miss him. We all do.”

“You didn’t love him like I did. Yes, he was a brother, but he was mine.” I say sharper than I intended to.

“No, I didn’t love him like you.” He pauses. “But I loved you. Still do.”

His words break something inside of me. I inhale a deep breath, that comes out in a sob. A full, raw, guttural sob throughmy throat. Everything I have been holding inside escapes me. I cover my face with both hands, shoulders shaking.

He drops to the grass beside me, wrapping his arms around me pulling me into his lap against him. He holds me tight.

I don’t resist.

No, I collapse.

Right into him.

My forehead against his chest, my fist clutching his cut like it’s my lifeline.

“I can’t do this,” I cry out. “I can’t go on without him.”

“You can,” he whispers. “You can because Clutch would want you to.”

“It hurts, Justin.”

“I know so let it out.”

I cry against him as he sits there rocking me. We sit like this for a long time. Just me, a grave, the man I lost, and in the arms of the man who has never wanted me to be anyone but me. Even now, when there are expectations for me to talk, to press on, Justin doesn’t ask anything of me but to be.

FIVE

TOON

"The bear's paw print reminds us: leave your mark on the world, however small." — Unknown

There ain’tno party like a Hellions party.

Hellions throw wild parties. Tonight, though the alcohol is more silence than celebration. The clubhouse is lit up with soft, string lights. The music hums low, old classic rock. No roaring engines, no shouting over the noise. Just a low hum of voices with laughter laced in grief.

Tonight is for Clutch.

---