Page 13 of Better as It

There is a cardinal in the distance watching me. Is that him? There is an old saying,if a cardinal appears a loved one is near.I have always seen the red birds and thought about my grandparents that I didn’t meet but know they loved my parents fiercely. I am named for my grandmother, Claudia Reklinger. But seeing this cardinal, here, today, well, I would like to think it’s Benji watching over me this time.

I walk the path my brother drew out for me. Since Benji’s mom forbid the Hellions from being part of his official funeral service yesterday, this is my goodbye. While my dad and the club wanted to put pressure on her to let me take my place as his ol’ lady and make his last arrangements, I told them to stand down.

I overwhelmed Benji’s world. She doesn’t understand. All she knows is her son was straight laced, gentlemen, and always there for her since his dad died when he was fifteen. Then he fell in love with a biker’s daughter. My world didn’t make sense, but he embraced it fully and soon it became his world too. A world she can’t understand.

Her goodbye matters as much as mine. I didn’t want to taint this for her with more reminders of the son she lost because to her she lost him the first time the moment he fell in love with me.

I’ve always walked the line in between. I know that in the outside world, she had the power. As his woman, his property, I’m equal to being his wife with or without the vows, the ring, and ceremony. In society norms, though, I was nothing more than a girlfriend. I didn’t even have an engagement ring even though we were planning a wedding. His mom is hurting too, though.

She blames the club. If it wasn’t for the Hellions he never would have been out that night. It doesn’t matter to her that if he hadn’t been there, the woman and child would be the ones in the ground, not her son. And for him, knowing he could have done something and didn’t, well, this is how he would have preferred it to be. It’s the kind of man he was: selfless to a fault.

The freshly covered mound shows me exactly where I need to be. I walk to it where I see a small temporary marker.

Benjamin Henderson

“Loved deeply. Missed eternally.”

It’s all too raw. Too new. Too wrong.

I kneel, placing the flowers down delicately before I sit beside the dirt. Will he hear me? What’s it like for him, the afterlife? Does he know how much I ache for him? Does he know how much I love him?

“Hey,” I whisper, lifting some of the dirt into my hand. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Skye settles lying beside me staring at his name. Closing my eyes I embrace the breeze like a hug from Heaven.

I let my mind go back.

“You want me to what?” he asks and I laugh.

Straddling the Harley-Davidson Sportster my boots are planted on the ground comfortably while Benji looks like he wants to run.

“You said you wanted to understand my life, my family. Well, welcome to your first experience.”

He stands in his driveway, eyes wide behind his glasses, hands on his hips instead of grabbing the helmet I hold out for him.

It takes a moment of hesitation before he puts it on. That’s when I shift back making room for him in front of me.

“I’m gonna kill myself and possibly you too, Dia. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I trust you, baby. You’ll be fine. I’ll be fine,” I say with a wink. “Besides this is basic. Get your balance, feel the bike. We aren’t leaving the neighborhood.

He studies the bike cautiously. “Why do you think this is remotely a good idea?”

“You said you wanted to get it. Why my dad and brother love their bikes, why there is a passion in all of us when we talk about a ride. This is your chance to experience it.”

“Words can explain it.”

I laugh, “no they can’t. You have to feel it! And I see the way you look at the bikes. Like they scare you, yes, but they excite you at the same time.”

He smirks at me, “baby, you’re what excites me. The bike is just an accessory.”

“Humor me. Get on.”

He swings his leg over awkwardly as I put my hands on his sides loving the way he feels in front of me.

“Okay,” I take his hands and put them on the handle bars. “The right is your throttle. It’s the go button. The lever you pull is the brake. You gotta make sure you can stop after the go.” Itap the gear shift with my left leg, “your clutch is the left hand with the shift lever to move gears happening with the left foot.”

He holds up his hand. “Hold on.” He pauses, “you’re telling me, I have to use my hands and my feet? Simultaneously?”

“God help us both,” I mutter with a laugh. “Yeah, like driving a car. Use your feet, your hands, your eyes, your ears, and your common sense.”

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