Page 12 of Better as It

We stand there together looking at each other, not saying a word. I take a breath.

Then two.

Then three.

She shifts. I think for a split second she will let me in. Her jaw twitches. She is contemplating it. I guess that is a plus, she opened the door and I have a chance. Before I can say anything her face changes.

Without a word, she shuts the door.

Right in my face.

I don’t move. I don’t breathe. I don’t even know what to say.

I let the moment sink in. I let her rejection soak deep inside. I know I deserve this. But I also know this right here isn’t even about me. She’s hurting. She doesn’t know how to accept the lifeline.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be the one who helps her out of this dark place.

I told them I couldn’t help her.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t want to try. There is something about seeing her. Having her this close. I can’t make myself walk away again.

Even if all she can give me is silence.

Even if all I can have is the sound of the lock turning between us as she shuts me out physically and emotionally. I sit down at her front door, my back to the wall beside the door she left me at.

As long as she’s in there. Out here is where I’ll be.

I’m not going anywhere.

Not this time.

FOUR

DIA

"When life becomes unbearable, channel the resilience of a grizzly." — Unknown

The sky is far tooblue. The sun is brilliantly shining down lighting up the day in a gorgeous way. The clouds are fluffy bundles like cotton in a pillow. It’s the kind of Carolina day to be relaxing on Emerald Isle, toes in the sand, listening to the waves roll in.

It is like the outside world is trying to give me a gentle kiss into the new day, this new world.

But I don’t want the sky to be blue or the sun to shine. I don’t care about the clouds in the sky. I don’t want to be outside inhaling the fresh air.

I want to be anywhere but here.

I want to be anyone but me.

And I want today to be anything but what it is.

My mom thinks this will help me. His mom literally sent a legal paper, professionally served and all, to keep me and every Hellion away from Benji’s funeral.

Nothing will help me. Yet, everyone around me says the words, but they don’t stop pushing me to do something.

I park at the top of the hill, the gravel parking lot crunching under the tires of my car. Skye whimpers in the car beside me like she knows where we are. I grab the flowers from the passenger floorboard, the red Dahlias with red Gerber daisy mix just for him. The flowers we planned for our wedding next year. I climb out of the car, flowers and leash in hand as Skye follows me out of my Camaro. The wind blows against my cheeks sending a chill through my body.

Is that him?

Is Benji embracing me?

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