Page 19 of Better as It

I’m a man watching her from afar just how we started. A man wishing I could take the weight off her shoulders. And I’m a man selfish enough to still wish she looked at me like she used to.

I never told her, or anyone, how hard it was for me to walk away. How many nights in Catawba I tried to drink away the part of me that ached to just hear her voice. How many miles Iput on my bike running from the memories of her, of our night together.

I have never told her or anyone that every time I meet someone new, I look for pieces of her in them.

Everyone comes up short.

Now, she sits a mere twenty feet away and yet, she feels farther from me than ever before.

She stands, brushes off her jeans, and looks towards me for a second.

I think she knows.

I think she can see all the things I’m not saying.

She nods oncebarelyand then disappears into the clubhouse.

I remain outside. Looking to the stars, I wish she could have it all.

Happiness.

Love,

And I wish I could be the man who gave her everything back.

Except fate doesn’t ask for outside input.

Some endings come too early, before we are ready.

Sometimes I don’t get to be the one who saves her.

Instead, I have to sit back and witness the wreckage.

All I can do is hope I’m strong enough to help her rebuild if she can ever let me in again.

SIX

DIA

"A bear's loyalty mirrors the steadfastness of true friendship." — Unknown

The laughter from the Hellions'party still echoes in my ears as I sit on the edge of the bed, picking at the frayed hem of my hoodie. I’m in one of the crash pads usually reserved for the brothers. They are these duplex type set ups my grandfather had built years ago when he started doing the annual barbecues. Last night, the party was for Clutch. A memorial, a celebration, whatever word makes it feel less raw. They all wore their cuts with pride, toasted their fallen brother, and raised hell like he would’ve wanted. I smiled. I hugged. I thanked everyone for coming. But inside, I felt nothing.

That’s the worst part.

Not the pain. Not the emptiness.

The nothing.

It’s like grief hollowed me out and now I’m a walking shell. Everyone thinks I’m doing okay because I’m upright. Because I shower. Because I fake a smile when people look. But noone sees the numbness under my skin. The way I’ve turned everything off just to survive.

It’s been three weeks since Benji—Clutch—took his last breath. Three weeks since I laid beside him in that hospital bed and told him it was okay to let go. Three weeks since the world made any kind of sense.

How can I exist in a world where I don’t feel anymore?

What I had with Benji was sweet. He was safe to my heart, my life. Everything was about me. How do I move on when no one will ever love me like he did? How do I exist without the person who made me feel like I was on top of the world is gone?

How do I go back to simply being Dia again?

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