Page 54 of Nearly Dead

His honesty stings, but I appreciate it.There’s been too much manipulation in my life lately.Too many half-truths and hidden agendas.

“I need to sit down,” I mutter, feeling suddenly exhausted.

Costin gestures to the loveseat along the wall that miraculously survived my destruction.I make my way there slowly, my muscles protesting with each step.When I finally sink into the cushions, the relief is immediate and overwhelming.In the wall behind me is a secret passageway.I lean my head back, listening

Costin remains standing, as if unsure whether to join me or maintain his distance.

“You can sit,” I tell him.“I won’t bite.I don’t think.”

A wry smile touches his lips as he takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch.“Wouldn’t be the first time if you did.”

The memories of our violent couplings flash through my mind.I recall the feel of my fangs in his neck, his in mine, blood and desire mingling in a primal dance of possession.I look away, embarrassed.“I haven’t exactly been myself.”

“You were exactly yourself,” he counters softly.“Just a different part of yourself.”

I turn back to study him, trying to reconcile this measured, patient Costin with the possessive vampire who claimed me as his.

“The sire bond,” I begin hesitantly.“I feel it all the time.This pull toward you.This need to please you, to obey.It scares me.”

He nods, unsurprised by my admission.“It’s meant to.It’s a survival mechanism.It ensures new vampires remain loyal to their sires, learn control, don’t expose our kind.”

“But it feels like...”I struggle to find the words.“Like I’m losing myself.Like what I want doesn’t matter anymore.”

“What you want matters very much,” he says firmly.“The bond exists, but you are still your own person.I won’t force you to stay with me.”

I blink, surprised by the declaration.“You won’t?”

“No.”His voice is quiet but resolute.“If you choose to go, I won’t stop you.Though I hope you choose to stay.”

“Even if it would hurt you?”

“Even then.”

I search his face for signs of deception, for the subtle tells that have marked so many conversations in the supernatural world.I find none.Just open vulnerability.It’s a rare sight in a centuries old master vampire.

“Where would I even go?”I ask, more to myself than to him.“The wolves want to use me as their Alpha.Elizabeth wants to experiment on me.Leviathan wants to make me his necromancer queen and breed a hybrid army.The council wants to study me like a lab rat.”

“You have options,” Costin says.

“Do I?Because it feels like I’m just trading one cage for another.”

He’s silent for a long moment.“What do you want, Tamara?Not what others expect.Not what duty demands.What doyouwant?”

The question hits me harder than it should.What do I want?Has anyone ever actually asked me that?

“I want...”I start, then falter.

The truth is I don’t know.What I want has never really been an option.Not in my whole life.

I know what I thought I wanted.I fantasized of being normal, away from the supernatural with others like me.I thought I wanted a life with Paul and Diana, but that was a mistake.Our time together only led to disaster.

Even if I wanted to take that path, it’s no longer an option.It’s never been an option.I realize that my wanting to be normal is like a turtle wanting to be a bird.Sure it might be able to come to the surface, breathe air, and look at the sky, but a turtle will never fly.

Even when I was human, I would never be normal.

The truth seems too simple, naïve even.“I want to be free.To figure out who I am now.What I am.I want to make my own decisions.”

“Then that’s what we’ll work toward.”He says it like it’s that easy, like we can just decide to change the rules that have governed supernatural society for millennia.

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