Page 86 of Mostly Shattered

I look at Costin. He hasn’t moved. He looks so… hurt.

“Conrad threatened to kill them both if I told anyone,” I explain. “I shouldn’t even be telling you now. If the labyrinth trial doesn’t actually stop him, he can still make good on his threats. You can’t let him see that you know any of this. Please, I beg you.”

“This is a lot to take in,” Anthony says. “You’re going to tell me everything.”

“I will. Later. Not now.” I try to touch Costin, but his look stops me. I hate that I’m the reason for his guarded expression. “Anthony, can you give us a moment?”

My brother looks around the chamber of mirrors and clears his throat. “Uh, yeah, I’ll just be over here. Don’t go anywhere without me. And maybe hurry.”

I’m not one hundred percent sure that Anthony can’t hear us, but I’m grateful for the illusion of privacy.

I wait for the vampire to say something first. He doesn’t.

“Costin, it’s not… I can’t…” I take a deep breath. I don’t know what to say. “What are you thinking?”

“You should have told me that your heart belongs to another before leading me on,” he states.

“I didn’t lead you on. You came to me. I was just trying to live my life and keep my head down.” I give a slight shake of my head. “I never made you promises. It’s not like we’ve talked about having a relationship. We were forced together. You barely acknowledged me before you needed me to do something.”

My words aren’t helping. His eyes narrow, and his face becomes completely unreadable. “As you wish.”

He tries to turn away from me, but I grab his arm and hold on tight.

“As you wish? What the hell does that mean, Costin?” I demand in frustration.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. You said you love him.” Costin sounds accusatory.

“You know what, never mind. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself to you. It’s not like you were a virgin when you met me. I’m sure if we were to write up a list of your exes, it would be at least thirty miles long. And if vampires are even capable of love, I’m sure you loved a few of them.”

I’m so frustrated, and angry, and sad. “I don’t know what you want from me. I never know what you want from me. I can only assume it’s sex and a free meal. What other use is a human to a vampire? It’s like you expect me to just know what you’re thinking. That, or you don’t think I’m worthy of your thoughts. You don’t respect me. You call me a castoff. You don’t even trust me to enough to complete a quest prophesied by powerful wizards that I am supposed to do on my own.”

“I was going to remain hidden unless you needed me,” Costin said. “Anthony sensed me. I wasn’t planning on that.”

I’m too exhausted to determine if I think it’s sweet or annoying.

“I’m tired of being angry,” I tell him. “I don’tknow what this stupid labyrinth wants from me. I never asked for any of this. And now everything is just fucked up.”

“You said you love him,” he states as if nothing else I said registers.

“So what if I did? So what if I do?” I demand.

Costin’s jaw tenses as he clenches his teeth. I wonder if he thinks of biting me to shut me up. I don’t know that I’d fight it. Oblivion sounds pretty good about right now.

I run my hands through my messy hair, and the knots tangle against my fingers. I jerk them free. “Paul doesn’t even know I’m alive. And he can’t know because he’s human, and his daughter is human, and knowing me almost killed them because I’m human, and I can’t protect anyone from the endless amount of shit falling on my head. So, yeah, for a few days, I was in love, and I thought,what if?What if I could have this thing, this normal life where I finally belonged? What if I could forget about the supernatural? What if I could drain the Devine blood out of my veins and disappear and just be a wife and a mother and a human?”

“You are not just a human,” Costin says. “I have known you your entire life. You were never just a human.”

“You can’t understand.” I shake my head. “Do you even remember what it’s like to be mortal?”

I can tell by his face that his humanity is a distant memory.

I see Anthony watching us from between the hanging mirrors.

I don’t want to be having this conversation. Not now. I don’t want to talk about this because then I have to admit that I’ll never deserve a normal human life.

“You’re more than just a human,” Costin repeats, desperate for me to hear it.

“You barely know me.” My legs feel unsteady beneath me. I don’t know how much more I can take.

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