Page 12 of Thick and Thin

As I continued reading, I began to doubt the postpartum depression followed by suicide diagnosis, however.

* * *

I can hardly eat anything anymore without getting an awful stomach ache. Really, though, it never goes away. Even though my regular doctor can’t figure it out, Dr. Pritchett already told him it’s NOT due to the pregnancy. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t throw up so much. And if I can’t keep any food down, how will the baby get what he needs? Dr. Pritchett gave me an injection and told me it’s okay to double up on my prenatal vitamins, just in case they’re not staying down.

* * *

After a few entries, I finally figured out that Dr. Prichett was her OB/GYN doctor—but I never saw a name for her “regular” doctor until a later entry…possibly because she didn’t seem to have any respect for the guy.

* * *

The baby still moves around inside me like everything’s okay, but I’m sure he doesn’t like when I throw up. I’m sure he feels constricted and just as uncomfortable as I do. Dr. Vale referred me back to the hospital for more tests—but I’m done. I already told him about how I had so many tests when I was little when they were trying to figure out what was wrong with my heart—and I just can’t do it now. Maybe after the baby’s born.

I figured out that if I don’t eat, the pain decreases. But I didn’t tell Dr. Vale that. I haven’t even said anything about it to Dr. Pritchett.

I’m pretty sure Gus has been filling Dr. Vale’s ear during their golf games. He’s probably telling him the same things he’s told me—that I’m just a hypochondriac desperate for attention. But would a hypochondriac really go to all the trouble?

* * *

Her entries got shorter and shorter and came less frequently as she got closer to Sinclair’s birth—but it was obvious to me she was suffering. There was one entry just a month before Sinclair’s birth that intrigued me.

* * *

I think about Xavier every now and then. I wonder what he’s doing. I sometimes suspect Gus chased him off. I may ask him about it sometime, but I don’t have the strength for it right now.

He always hated that I’d been so close to Xavier, but what had he expected? I’ve never made many friends as Gus’s wife, so I’ll take them when I can. I’d even befriend the nannies if they felt comfortable doing it.

* * *

Several of her next few entries before Sinclair’s birth were just a couple of lines each, mostly noting if she’d been able to keep any food down. Finally, Dr. Pritchett, probably frustrated with the lack of action from Constance’s primary care doctor, had her admitted to the hospital and put on IVs for nourishment. When Constance returned home, she noted that she felt better than she had in weeks.

Until she ate again.

The server refilled my coffee and asked if I was ready to order lunch. With my head out of the journal, I noticed that the little café had filled up, assuring me that their food probably was decent. I ordered a sandwich and then checked my phone, surprised to see that I’d missed a couple of text messages from the nurse.

The first one said, Pre-infusion protocol complete. Will be administering infusion soon. He’s doing well so far.

The second one was just as clinical: Infusion begun. Going slowly at first to make sure patient tolerates treatment.

Looking at the time stamp of the message, I imagined the infusion was almost done or close—but I also knew they’d be monitoring him for a couple of hours. I returned to the journal while waiting for my food.

Soon, the baby had arrived. And Constance wrote a long entry not only celebrating his birth but explaining the entire process, marveling that he’d been her easiest birth of the three boys.

Two weeks later she wrote another long entry.

* * *

Gus and I had probably the worst argument of our entire marriage. I finally asked why Xavier hadn’t come by in so long—and Gus flat out asked if we’d been having an affair. “You forget that our staff sees everything, Connie. And you must think I’m a fool.” It didn’t matter how much I denied it; he simply didn’t believe me.

And it was as if he couldn’t remember making love to me last August when he’d come home from that business trip. It had been magical, the first time in a long time but I’d been a fool. We weren’t going back to normal. Of course, it took me a few days to realize that we weren’t.

All that frustration, all my anger had reached its boiling point now and I finally let it all out. I threw a vase across the room and told him I knew HE had been having affairs throughout our marriage and I finished with the truth: I had always been faithful to him. I love Xavier as a friend and miss him terribly, but I would never cheat on Gus. But Gus refused to believe me and even said Sinclair looked just like Xavier.

That is ridiculous. If Sinclair looks like anyone, he looks like Augie. In fact, when I look at Augie’s baby pictures and then look at Sinny, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference. “If Xavier were Sinclair’s father,” I said, “then his eyes would probably be brown, not blue.”

He said, “Should I be worried about Warren?”

“Now you’re just being stupid. Xavier wasn’t even around when we had Warren.”

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