Page 60 of Outlaws' Dirty Secret

The thought makes me smile. “Same. I was really worried about what the club’s plans were, but now that I know people are actually going to be living down here again, I’m really glad I didn’t sell. Come on in.”

They come inside, looking around curiously.

“Can I ask you guys some questions? It's about bikers. Well, three of them in particular, I guess.” Just saying that out loud feels weird, but at the same time, I know there's not going to be any judgment.

“Of course.” Paige sits on the couch with a yawn. “Sorry. I’m so freakin’ tired all the time.”

Jessica nods. “I think I know where this is going.”

“That obvious, huh?”

Paige shrugs. “We’ve both been there. When you know the signs, it’s not exactly hard to connect the dots.”

“What are you worried about?” Jessica asks. “Maybe it’s easier to start there.”

“They’re bossy. They outnumber me. Their first loyalty will be to the club.” I tick things off on my fingers. “The danger. I feel like I’m either wrapped in bubble wrap or about to get killed… or about to have the wildest night of my life. Sometimes all on the same day.”

Jessica laughs so hard she hiccups. When she finally manages to breathe, she nods. “That’s a very good way of describing it. I can’t cut my finger without a full body check that always seems to leave everybody naked…” She trails off dreamily.

“You're right,” Paige agrees, “They really are always needing to check everywhere. They're very thorough.”

“Don't you worry that they’ll get hurt?” I blurt out. “I know I haven't been around long, but I'm already so… so attached to them. And then something will happen where I realize that if they just go a little bit wrong, one—or even all three of them—might not come home. How do you deal with that?”

“Alcohol,” Paige says deadpan.

Jessica nods. “Definitely alcohol. And girls' nights. We keep each other company while they're out. I'm not going to lie about that. It's a dangerous life.” She looks at Paige. “Crap, I just remembered you’re pregnant. We might need better coping mechanisms.”

Paige laughs. “They live hard, they fight hard, and they… well, they do everything hard. It's part of the excitement, but alsopart of the danger. Bonnie helps a lot, too. She’s had the worst happen and she’s still there to tell us to ‘get the fuck on with it’, Paige imitates Bonnie’s grouchy tone. “She and General were happy together, and then he was just torn away from her. She's a tough woman?—”

“Boss bitch,” Jessica interrupts with a smile.

“Yep, boss bitch, tough as nails, but what I was going to say was that I still sometimes see her when she thinks we're not looking, staring at all those pictures of him, touching his old patches or jacket, and it's obvious exactly how much she misses him. It can definitely go very, very wrong.” Paige shudders a moment, probably imagining herself in Bonnie's place.

Jessica nods. “Definitely. When I came here, it was recent enough that she was still a little raw. She took care of me and Anne before things settled, and I think it was good for her to have something to take her mind off it. Bonnie never had kids of her own, but Anne needed a mother and Bonnie has stepped up. In a lot of ways, she’s ended up with three girls.”

Well, that's not exactly the encouragement that I was looking for. Am I making a mistake wanting to be with Skyhigh, Dragon and Blackout?

“But there are the upsides too,” Paige shoots in when she sees my expression. “And I don't just mean the amazing sex.”

“It helps.” Jessica nods enthusiastically until Paige gives her a shove.

“Stop clowning around for a second so I can finish.”

“That's what the guys tell me, too.” Jessica cackles at her own innuendo until Paige literally punches her in the arm.

“Anywaaaay.” Paige drags it out like she's daring Jessica to interrupt again. “Besides the sex, having three men madly in love with you who are willing to set the world on fire if it'll keep you safe is amazing. I'm the center of their world, and every day they come home to me is a blessing of a kind that I never experienced before. Emotionally and practically, you have so much more to draw on. Strengths and weaknesses. I know Poe can fix anything electronic and he loves to read, so we talk about books and read to each other. Crank is super strong, but also clever and outrageous sometimes. He’s the glue that holds us together. And Savage is our bossypants. He takes charge when things need to be done, even if that thing is me. Especially if that thing is me.” She grins. “And so the four of us work together like a unit. It's not just me getting banged by a bunch of bikers, but a relationship where we all build each other up, so what we've got is greater than the sum of its parts, if that makes sense. It's bigger than us, and that still overwhelms me sometimes, but in a good way.”

Jessica nods. “Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, but I agree completely with Paige. Ghost, Riot and Tex thought they were kidnapping me, but they literally saved my life. I was so close to giving up when they found me, and now I’m even applying to study in the fall. I could’ve walked away when the craziness of my whole situation was over, but I couldn't find it in myself to do it. I didn'twantto, and I still don't. We work together, and they take care of me. And each other, when they need the kind of support I can't provide. It's so much more than a regular relationship.”

“Well, that was a lot.” I laugh a little awkwardly, just from the outpouring of it all.

“Too much?” Paige cocks her head. “I mean, if that's not how you feel about them, you don't have to?—”

“No, actually. I think it was just the right amount, because it helps me organize my own feelings. A little like a book outline, I guess. It helps me see patterns, and understand the consequences, and I couldn't do that until now.” I nod, as it feels like it's all coming together inside me. Like the last parts in a puzzle that I didn't realize I had turned the wrong way.

Yes, they live dangerous lives, but would I really want to go back to my old life and not risk all the good things that would come with them?

No way.

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