Page 75 of Fighting Spirit

“I just don’t know where we go from here.” I sigh, staring down at my lap.

“What do you want?” he asks carefully.

I pause, trying to sort through my thoughts. I want more; I want him. But everything is so complicated that I don’t know if it’s a good idea, and frankly, I’m scared.

I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same way, that maybe he just got caught up in the moment. It’s like I used up all my courage letting loose on Rowan’s dad, and now I don’t have any left for the rest. “I don’t know,” I whisper.

I hear Rowan’s blinker click as he steers the car onto the side of the road. The silence as he cuts off the engine has my gut twisting. All the warmth and bliss of a few minutes ago dissipate as the tension stretches taught, threatening to snap with a word from either of us.

“Okay, look,” he starts, a hand scrubbing down his face. “I don’t know what we’re doing, but I don’t regret what happened.” He turns in his seat and picks up one of my hands, holding it between his. His heat radiates into me, warming fingers that I hadn’t noticed going cold. “I’m not good with feelings. It takes me a while to work out where I stand, but I know I’m crazy about you, Ruth.”

I suck in a gasp of air at the intensity in his eyes, but he doesn’t stop talking. “There’s so much we need to talk about. I don’t even know the half of it, there’s a whole world of shit out there, but I do know that when it’s me and you, I feel ok in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I want to be with you; I don’t know what that looks like, but maybe we can try to figure it out.” By the end of his speech, he’s breathing heavily, and I wonder what it cost him to get this all out.

“Right, okay. Yeah.” I nod, making my mind up as I pick a bit of dust off his shirt. “So we’re doing this?”

Rowan grins. “I think we are.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

RUTH

Ihave to bite back a groan when I see Marshall sitting next to one of the last empty seats in the lecture hall. I shuffle in next to him, knowing I can’t go somewhere else without it turning into a whole thing.

I don’t know what I’m so worried about. It’s not like anything bad’s going to happen. We haven’t spoken since he came by my apartment. I don’t know what’s shifted since the night at the frat house, but it’s as if I’m seeing our relationship in a new light, like the shine’s rubbed off.

“Hey, I missed you.” He grins up at me.

“Yeah, sorry, things have been crazy.”

“It’s all good.” He keeps smiling. “We should catch up soon though.”

His suggestion grates, sounding an awful lot like what I was saying last year, lapping up scraps of his attention while desperately trying to play it cool. Now he’s acting exactly how I would have wanted back then, but I kind of wish he would just stop.

“Sure.” I give him a tight smile.

“Everything okay?” His eyes go wide, like I’ve really hurt him. “Have I done something wrong?”

I sigh, forcing my hackles down. “No, of course not.” I don’t know why I’m being so cold. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he just acted a little crazy during a crisis situation. If I think about it, I don’t know that I would have behaved much differently.

“We’re still friends, right?” he asks, his smile faltering.

“Of course,” I protest. “Why would you ask that?”

“You’ve kinda been giving me the cold shoulder.” He shrugs. “I mean, I get it. I came on a little strong, but it’s just because you mean so much to me. I would hate to think that our friendship was ending because I got a bit overprotective.”

“It was a little more than that,” I say, bristling slightly. Overprotective didn’t really cover the way he’d treated Rowan.

“I know, I know, I suck.” He looks down at his desk.

“You don’t suck, you were just kind of a dick to Rowan.” I don’t like seeing him so dejected; even though I’m annoyed with him, I don’t want him hurting.

I should really give him a break. We were such good friends before everything happened, even if he’s being a bit much, it’s nice to feel like we’re closer to that place again.

“He kidnapped you,” he grumbles.

“No, he didn’t.” I’m firm in my rebuttal, wanting to get past this. “He was looking out for me.”

“Are you still seeing him?” There’s something accusatory about his question and I don’t like it. I find myself not wanting to answer, worried about what his response would be if he knew that Rowan’s my…friend? Boyfriend? I’m not quite sure, but it’s definitely something.

---