Page 123 of Fighting Spirit

No,I want to say. I don’t want to get into any of this, but I know if I want any chance of things changing, then I have to start by at least trying to acknowledge the problem.

“It seemed really daunting, the thought of explaining everything and then having to work out what I actually wanted to ask for. It just got really easy to put it off. Plus, I think I was embarrassed. I thought if I just kept my head down and worked harder, then I would be able to manage fine by myself.”

“That’s understandable. Internalized ableism can be a real barrier in asking for help.”

I flinch a little at her words.Internalized Ableism.“Oh no, that’s not-” I cut myself out. I was about to say,that’s not what it is, but isn’t it? I’ve always approached my ADHD with an amount of shame, like it’s this problem I need to keep to myself and try not to let affect me. Every time I thought about asking for support, it seemed like an admission of weakness, like people would turn around and judge me for how my brain works.

“Ruth, from what I can see here,” she says, gesturing at her screen. “You’re a smart, capable young woman with a lot of drive and a very bright future.”

Tears prick at the backs of my eyes. I don’t think anybody’s ever said that about me before, certainly not anyone in a position of authority. “I haven’t even figured out my major yet,” I say weakly.

“So?” She frowns. “Ruth, most students your age still have no idea what they want to do with their lives, and that’s fine. Allbreck doesn’t actuallyrequireyou to declare until the end ofyour junior year, so there’s plenty of time for you to figure out what you like and what you might want to focus on. Besides, your major here doesn’t determine the trajectory of your life. Obviously it can be helpful, and it’s a decision you should take seriously, but all it really is, is for you to know where you want to focus your time and what areas interest you the most.”

I feel a little hypnotized by her, as if I’m ready to bare my soul and do anything she tells me to because I know she’ll steer me right. She’s the first person at Allbreck who I truly feel is on my side, and I’m kind of mad at myself for not reaching out sooner.

“Okay,” is all I can get out, overcome by a storm of emotions.

“Right.” She picks up a pen and clicks it decisively. “So for today, we’re going to figure out some things that might be helpful for you. I have a list of your classes, and once we have a game plan, I’ll reach out to your professors and loop them in on this.”

“They won’t be mad?” I can’t help but ask.

“No, and even if they were, I wouldn’t care.”

I think I might be in love with her.

We spend the next half hour brainstorming different ways the university can support me and arrange a catch up in two weeks to see how everything is going. I had thought the process would be combative, that I would have to fight for them to give me even an inch, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As soon as I told Christina everything that was happening, she immediately saw how bad things had gotten and went into problem-solving mode. I don’t even have to talk to my professors, not wanting to have this same conversation seven times over. She’s going to handle all of that for me, and I just need to wait for each of them to get in touch so we can arrange things like extra time in exams and getting the class slides in advance so I can make my notes ahead of time.

As I exit the building and see Rowan’s truck idling across the street, I feel like a five-ton weight has been lifted off my chest. I practically bounce into the passenger seat and lean over to press a hard kiss against his lips.

“Good?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“So good.” I grin as I buckle myself in.

Rowan lets out a loud whoop as if he’s just scored a touchdown before putting the truck in drive and pulling out of the space.

“I’m so fuckin’ proud of you, Frog.”

My chest is set to burst with every breath. I’m so proud of myself, I feel like I’ve finally taken the first step in getting to a better place with my disability. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I have so much to unpack in terms of everything I’ve believed about myself for so long, but at least I’m getting on a positive path.

Chapter Fifty-One

ROWAN

Iwatch in amusement as Ruth tries to decide between two ice cream flavors. She’s been going back and forth for a couple of minutes now. I shouldn’t find it adorable, but apparently, I’m in so deep that just about everything she does is cute to me.

“We can get both,” I suggest from where I’m leaning against the shelves, watching her across the aisle.

“That’s just delaying the inevitable.” Her nose scrunches. “Then we’ll get home, and I’ll have to decide which one to eat.”

Home.I really love hearing her call it that. It’s been two weeks since I realized how stupidly in love I am with her, and I still haven’t told her. I want to, I want to scream it from the rooftops, but there’s something holding me back.

“We gotta get going. Trevor’s expecting us back soon.” My roommate sent us to the corner store down the street from the apartment when he realized halfway through cooking dinner that we were out of olive oil. I don’t know why he couldn’t have used one of the other dozen kinds of oil cluttering the cupboards, but apparently, it was the end of the world.

She tips her head side to side as she tries to make up her mind, but ends up thrusting both cartons out to me. “You pick,” she pouts.

I grin and take both, placing them in the basket. “I’ll mix them up for you when we get back.”

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