Page 57 of You Will Never Be Me

She sobs. “I know, I’m sorry, I’m just a huge mess right now. I can’t believe she’s gone. Can you—um—I need to go to the coroner’s office to identify the body. I can’t go alone, Aspen. I just—I can’t. Please come with me?”

I swear I’m about to throw up right now.No, I want to scream.I do not want to go with you to a coroner’s office where I will see the half-decomposed body of your sister, whom I killed.But how can I say no to Clara?And, a little voice adds,this is good for your image. You need to go. Think of how good it’ll look to have Clara’s faith. To have the victim’s sister trust in you so much that you are the person she turns to for support. The reporters will eat it right up. Confidence in you will rise.

Yes. Of course. Once I think of that, it seems obvious that I must go. “Of course,” I say to Clara. “Um, when are you going?”

“First thing tomorrow morning.”

“What are you going to do with Luca while you go to the police station?”

There is silence, then Clara gives a broken sigh. “God, I didn’t even think of that. It really is relentless, isn’t it? Having a kid.They’re just there, all the time!” She’s getting shrill, panicking again.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say in a soothing voice. “Just come by my house and you can drop him off here. Ben will look after him and Sabine. It’ll be good for Luca to have some playtime with Sabine. You and I can even drive to the station together.”

“Really? Oh, thank you, Aspen. You are a lifesaver.”

My mouth crooks into a small smile.I am the opposite of that, I think bitterly as I hang up.

•••

In the morning, Ben doesthe school drop-off with the twins. He doesn’t even complain about it; he just nods somberly and herds the girls into the car, his face pale, his mouth set in a grim line. He still can barely look at me, and every time he does, I catch that disgusted twitch in his lips, but at least he doesn’t say anything. I guess he’s probably worrying about his own little secret—he kissed Meredith. I wonder if the detectives will find out about that at some point. They seem to be doing a whole lot of digging. If they do, it’s going to look bad on both of us. It’ll give me a motive to kill Meredith, for one. How cliché it would be; me stuck in the role of an insecure wife who, in a jealous rage, kills her best friend. If it comes to that, I’ll tell them the truth: that it wasn’t about Ben at all. It was about friendship.

Clara arrives ten minutes after Ben leaves, and I see her shocked expression when she spots the clump of reporters outside my house. I open the front door and wave at her to come right in. She bundles Luca in her arms and hurries up the driveway, ignoring the reporters shouting her name, asking her whatshe’s doing here, and whether she believes I had anything to do with Meredith’s murder.

“Holy shit,” she says, once she’s inside the house.

“I know.” I shift my attention to Luca and force a smile. He looks so much like his mother, it’s eerie to look at him. But I need to keep up appearances, so I hold out my arms and take Luca from Clara, fussing over him. “Oh, look at this little angel. You poor, poor thing. My poor, sweet baby boy.” I kiss the top of his head and try not to gag at the thought that I killed this poor kid’s mother. “Sabbie will be so happy to see you, yes she will.” I carry Luca into the living room where Sabine is already in her playpen. “Sabbie, look who’s here.” Sabine looks up and her whole face brightens. She raises her arms and gives an elated cry. Luca sticks his arms out and writhes in my arms, and I put him in the playpen. The two babies immediately fall into each other’s arms amid giggles and coos.

Clara bursts into tears. “I’m sorry,” she wails. “It’s been so hard. I don’t know how to be a mom. It’s not at all like babysitting. He’s been absolutely miserable. The only way I’ve kept myself going the past month was to tell myself that she’ll be back, and now—” Her sobs are so hard that they rack her entire body, bending it like a banana.

“Oh, sweetheart,” I say, wrapping my arms around her. “There, there. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get through this.” I stroke her back the way I do with the kids, firm and soothing.

Ben arrives home then and stops short when he sees Clara crying away in my arms. For a second, he looks unsure, like he’s thinking of running away. But then he clears his throat. “Um, hey, Clara.”

Clara lifts her head and sniffs. Ben comes over, his arms stretched out. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he says.

Clara accepts the hug stiffly while I grab a tissue for her. “Thanks,” she mumbles, wiping at her face. “Um, and thanks for looking after Luca while I—you know.”

“Yeah, of course, anytime,” Ben says, stuffing his hands into his pockets. The atmosphere in here is so awkward it’s almost painful.

“Shall we go?” I say. I want to get this over and done with as quickly as possible.

Clara looks over at Luca. “Are you sure you’ll be okay with him?”

“He’ll be fine,” I cut in. “He and Sabbie are so happy with each other. They won’t even realize we’re gone. And Ben is great with kids.”

Ben gives a nervous smile. “Call me if you need anything,” he says as Clara and I head for the side door to the garage.

Once we’re inside my car, I struggle to think of something to say. What does one even say at a time like this? I back out of the garage slowly, being careful to avoid the reporters. They crowd around like a pile of red ants, taking a million pictures of me and Clara in the car. Even though all the windows are closed, I can still hear their questions.

“Are you going to see the body?”

“Clara, did you know that Aspen hated your sister?”

“Aspen, were you bullying Meredith?”

It’s a relief when I finally drive out of earshot. I release my breath and glance over at Clara. “You okay?” Well, that was a stupid question to ask. She’s obviously not okay.

“Not really. You?”

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