Page 46 of You Will Never Be Me

“I—but—”

“You’re supposed to be hashtag authentic.”

She’s really going to force me to do this. And maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s better if it doesn’t seem rehearsed. But what if I say something wrong? Something that can be used against me? And I don’t want to do it next to Liv. But I can’t think of anything to say to deter Liv, and I also don’t want to make Liv angry, and god, how the hell did I land myself in this mess? Even as I stand here, gaping, Liv holds up her phone again.

“Ready?” she says.

I open my mouth to say no, but then I see us on her phone. I see how shocked I look. Genuinely shocked. Stricken, flustered. Shattered. Like someone who’s just learned that her best friend has gone missing. No matter how hard I try later, how many takes I do, I know that I’m never going to achieve this level of authenticity. So despite everything inside me screamingNooo!I nod and say, “Okay.”

Liv rumples up her hair and shifts her hold on the phone to find a more flattering angle. Then she taps the red Record button. “Hey guys, I’m here with Aspen from All Day Aspen, and we’ve just heard that Meredith, @MerryMeredith, is missing.”

I take in a shuddery breath. “Hi everyone. Meredith w—is my best friend. Although we haven’t spoken to each other in months,she will forever be my soul twin. And I—I can’t believe—” My whole face feels like it’s just burst into flames. When the tears come, they’re genuine. Genuine tears of fear, that is. Because holy shit, I have never been this close to being found out—to losing everything. My self-preservation instincts are going insane. It is overwhelming.

“Oh, Aspen,” Liv gasps, “you poor thing.” She squeezes my shoulders and I lean into her.

“I just want my best friend back,” I sob, and this I truly mean, with all of my being. I want the old Mer back. The one I spent every day with. The first person I texted when I woke up, and the last person I texted when I went to bed. The person with whom I shared a million inside jokes. With whom I could just sit and do nothing in particular with. Someone I could be quiet with. “I miss her so much. Please, if you have Mer with you, please let her go. Let her come home to us. There are so many people who need her.”

Liv starts sniffling, and to my surprise, she’s actually crying. What the hell? She barely even knew Meredith, and here she is, honest to god crying. “Yes, please let her go. She’s such a beautiful soul.” A beautiful soul? How the fuck would Liv even know what sort of soul Meredith was?

But I make myself nod.

“And Mer,” Liv says, looking straight into the camera, “if you’re watching this, don’t lose hope. We’re looking for you. We’re not going to stop until we find you.” She taps at the screen and ends the recording. “Phew!” Liv says. “That was intense, huh?” She wipes at her face.

“Yeah.” I turn away and find a napkin to dab at my cheeks so I won’t wipe off my makeup. I still feel shaky, like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’ve just carved out my insides andoffered them up to the camera, and I think I should feel empty, but I don’t. I feel exhilarated. Did I really just pull that off?

“I think that was good,” Liv says. “I’ll post it now, yeah? I don’t think we should wait for optimal posting time; what do you think?”

“Yeah.” I want the video to get out there as soon as possible. To join the chorus of voices pleading for Meredith’s return. The sooner we post it, the better. I watch as Liv opens up TikTok and uploads the video.

“What should I say in the caption?”

“How about ‘Please help us find Meredith! Hashtag WhereIsMer’?”

“Perfect.” Liv types it quickly, tags me, and hits Post.

My chest flutters as it is sent into the ether. It’s done. My reaction video is out there now. I have officially plunged into the Find Meredith crowd. Even as Liv uploads the video to Instagram, both of our phones are already exploding. Mineboops endlessly with Likes and comments. I open TikTok on my phone and scroll through the comments, my belly tight with dread.

FreyaSSS:OMG this is so crazy!!! I hope you guys find her!!!

TaokeY:Aspen! My heart is breaking for you.#whereismerThe sick fuck who took her will meet JUSTICE!

CrispyPie:I am literally crying right now. Poor Aspen!!

I can’t read the comments fast enough. They stream in like a river, endless and fast. As I read them, my heart swells to fill myentire chest. They bought it. Everyone is in love with me. Enraptured by my grief. I realize that part of me has been bracing for the troll comments, but maybe, without Meredith to incite the trolls into attacking me, they’ve lost interest and found another target. I have to fight hard to keep myself from grinning. I repost the video from my own accounts, and even more Likes and comments cascade in.

“Oh my god,” Liv says. “I’ve just gained like, a hundred followers in the last ten minutes, holy shit.”

Am I supposed to congratulate her? I settle on giving her a grim smile instead. I click on the #WhereIsMer hashtag, and with a sickening feeling, I see that it’s already got more than two million views on TikTok. Mer has gone viral. I look at her profile. Three million followers. She’s gaining followers like crazy. I shake my head, unable to suppress my snort. I’m torn between laughter and tears. If only this growth had happened sooner. Months and months ago, before Meredith’s jealousy grew so large that our friendship couldn’t support its weight. So many if-onlys. What I wouldn’t give to have my friendship with Meredith back.

The irony is, Meredith would’ve killed to see these kinds of numbers on herpage.

23

It’s my turn to pickthe twins up today. The moment I turn into the driveway, I know that the news has hit the school. Parents stand in clumps, talking animatedly. Many of them are shaking their heads. As I slide into a parking spot, one of the moms, Pamela, spots my car and strides over.

“Oh crap,” I mutter. I get out, keeping the windows open, as Sabine is still inside her car seat. “Hi, Pamela.”

“Aspen, oh my god, you must be crushed,” Pamela says. “I actually started crying when I watched your video.”

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