Page 37 of You Will Never Be Me

“I swear,” Aspen continues, “I’m on the brink of losing everything. Ben can barely stand to look at me, and when he does, all I see is revulsion.” Her eyes shine with tears. “That’s crazy, right? But I can’t divorce him. The girls would be devastated. And how would it look to my followers? If they leave me, I’ll be nothing.”

“You’ll never be nothing,” I cry. “You’re All Day Aspen! You’ll be fine.”

Aspen smiles sadly at me. “Thank you for saying that. Even though you’re lying through your teeth.”

“No, seriously.” I reach out to pat her shoulder, but somehow, all I touch is air, and before I know it, I’ve lost my balance. I landon my knees on the carpet. “Wow,” I laugh. “How much have I drunk?”

Aspen just sits there, staring at me. “Not much. That would be the mix of drugs I slipped into the champagne.”

“Whaaaa?” My voice comes out from far, far away.

“Mer,” Aspen sighs. “I gave you every chance to tell me the truth.”

I try to get up, but the world sways, and one moment, everything is upright. The next moment, I seem to be seeing everything sideways. I blink, and blink again, and try to form words, but they come in a jumble that makes no sense. Something pushes me from my side to my back so I’m now staring up at the ceiling. A face swims into view. I’m confused when I see it. Aspen? But we’re not talking to each other. I smile at her. I’m glad she’s here even though we’ve been fighting for so long.

“That day you stole into my house, the security system alerted me that there was movement on our property. I logged on, and lo and behold, what do I see on my screen but my own best friend snooping around in the backyard like a fucking cat.” Aspen snorts. “I had no idea what the hell you were doing. Actually, I was so dumb; for a moment, I thought you’d come to apologize. I thought you were going to leave a bouquet of roses or a letter or something for me. Imagine how shocked I was when you stole Elea’s iPad. What the fuck, Mer? You know how messed up that is? I had to punish Elea for losing her iPad because I didn’t want Ben to know what you did. Look what you made me do. Punish my own kid for something she didn’t do. Although maybe that’ll teach her not to leave her shit out in the backyard.”

Aspen crouches down and picks up the wineglass from next to me. Dimly, I want to tell her not to bother cleaning up, thatshe’s a guest here. A small voice is screaming at me to focus. Something bad is happening, but I don’t understand what. Maybe the bad thing is the prosecco spilling on the carpet. I need to get baking soda and vinegar on that before the stain sets in.

“For the next few weeks, I watched my accounts like a hawk,” Aspen continues. “Did you never stop to wonder why I didn’t change our passwords when Elea’s iPad went missing? Did you really think I was that dumb?”

Of course not, I want to say. Naive, maybe, but not dumb. My eyes close. Sharp pain whacks into my cheeks, and my eyes fly open.

“Wake up, Mer,” Aspen snaps. “You can’t go to sleep yet. Not before I explain to you exactly why I’m doing this.”

I’m pretty sure my eyes are blinking at different rates. I think I manage to nod.

“I watched as my appointments were switched around. I turned up at the correct time and watched from afar as you swooped in and took all those meetings for yourself. I followed your accounts and saw all the videos you copied.”

I open my mouth to explain that yes, I might have copied a few of her videos, but imitation is the best form of flattery.

She’s shaking her head and laughing a little. “I didn’t even care that I was missing these meetings, some of which took months to set up. All I could think about was what you were doing. And I made sure to turn up at the wrong time, too, in case you were still watching me. And you know what? I don’t even really care about the whole Ben thing. Oh yeah, I know you and Ben were sneaking around behind my back. Because I’ve been following you, Mer, ever since you took Elea’s iPad. Seeing what you’ve been up to. My husband, as it turns out. But who cares? Ben’s a fucking loser. Ifyou wanted him, I would’ve given him to you. You know why, Mer? Because you’re my best friend.” Her voice shakes then, turning rough, and tears shine in her eyes, which makes me sad. I want to tell her I’m sorry, that I don’t want Ben, I just want her, because she’s my best friend too.

“But the thing is, Mer, you fucked with my business. My brand is the only thing keeping me and my kids going. What would happen to Noemie’s healthcare if I were to lose my brand? Did you ever stop to think of that, Mer?”

Shame burns every part of me. She’s right. I didn’t. I never once stopped to think about how my actions would hurt my beloved goddaughters.

“You, of all people, know exactly what it took for us to get this far. I waited to see how far you’d go. But I also waited long enough to come up with a plan.” She leans down so her face is mere inches away from mine, and now I can feel the cold rage radiating from her. Now, I finally feel scared. I try to push her off, but my hands aren’t listening to me. Nothing seems to be working. “You’re supposed to be my ride or die, Mer,” Aspen whispers. “If you’re not going to be my ride, then you might as well die.”

I am your ride or die, I want to say, but Aspen leans to one side and picks up something. A cushion with a gray-and-yellow chevron print.Wait,I say, but she lowers it onto my face, and I find that I can’t say anything much atall.

18

I have always wanted a sister.A sister would be into the same things I am. Beauty and fashion and the giddy excitement that comes with meeting a hot guy. A sister would commiserate with me about the hardships of breastfeeding or losing the baby weight. A sister would give a shit. Unfortunately, I only have a brother who lives several states away and never sends so much as a card on my birthday. When I met Meredith, I thought to myself,It’s okay that I didn’t grow up with a sister, because here is someone better than a sister. She is a soul twin: someone whose personality is on the exact same wavelength as mine. Someone who fits me like we’re two puzzle pieces, curving in and out to accommodate each other precisely. But we all know how that turned out. Life can’t help but be disappointing.

Maybe Meredith found it easy to betray me because she had a sister. A sister whom she was always taking for granted. A sister who is now on my front porch, nipping at my ankles like abad-tempered terrier. As I stand here, listening to Clara rant about how I must know where Meredith is, a sense of exhaustion and defeat surges through me, and I just want to crumple up into a ball then and there, and wail at everyone to leave me the hell alone. I am so tired. I’ve just seen Ben kissing Liv at his open house, and the last thing I need is Clara making a scene.

I let the tears come, and Clara’s rant falters. “I’m sorry,” I sniffle. “I miss her so much, too, you must know that, right? She’s my best friend, and I—look at me, my life’s a mess without her. I’ve been texting her and calling her and she hasn’t replied to me. I think she’s blocked my number. So I don’t know what to tell you, Clara, okay? I’m sorry.” I shift my hold on Sabine to a position I know she finds uncomfortable, and just as I hoped, Sabine starts fussing. “Look, I have to go.”

Clara looks torn between sympathy and mistrust. “I’m going to report her missing.”

Dread uncoils deep inside me, but I’ve prepared myself for this eventuality. There was no way that Clara wasn’t going to report Meredith missing. I always knew that, at some point, Clara would report it. All I can do is wait and trust that I’ve cleaned up my tracks as well as anyone could. I meet her eyes and nod. “I think that’s probably for the best at this point.”

This gives Clara pause. She’s been expecting me to fight it. “You really haven’t spoken to her at all?” Her voice wobbles.

I shake my head, thanking the universe for the millionth time for the fact that Meredith hadn’t told Clara that I was going to be at her place that day. “I’m worried too. I think you’re right about reporting her missing.”

Clara nods. As she leaves, I call out, “Keep me updated?”

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