Page 69 of Dial A for Aunties

I slap my forehead. “It’s not about who to listen to, it’s about assessing who has the best plan!”

Big Aunt nods smugly.

“Well, at the time, it seemed like dressing him up as a groomsman was the best plan,” Fourth Aunt says.

“I just—I mean—no offense to you, Second Aunt, but it’s a terrible idea! What about the poor groomsman you guys stole the suit from? Where is he?”

“Probably snoring, dead drunk, in a closet someplace,” Fourth Aunt says with a wave of her hand.

“But—”

“Stop interrupting,” Fourth Aunt says. “Anyway, so we dressed him up as a groomsman and decided that while everyone’s busy getting ready for the ceremony, we’d try to get rid of him then.”

“So we each take one arm and then we carry him out the room,” Ma says. “We think maybe we can carry him to the back garden, leave him there on the bench, then will take long time before people find him. Nobody go to back garden, right?”

“This is not a well thought-out plan,” I moan.

“It is very well thought out! How will anyone know we have something to do with groom man dead body?” Ma cries.

I open and close my mouth, but no words come out.

“But halfway to back garden, you all come to hallway on your way to look for tea ceremony present,” Second Aunt says. “We panic! Waduh, what if they see us with body? So we quickly hide behind room service cart.”

Oh god. This is getting worse by the second.

“It was an awesome room service cart. It had all these bottles of champagne in it,” Fourth Aunt says. “Which gave me an idea. I ran back to my room and got a bottle of absinthe—”

“Why do you have a bottle of absinthe?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice.

“Yes, why do you have bottle of absinthe?” Ma says, the world’s most judgmental smile dancing on her lips.

“I’m an entertainer!” Fourth Aunt snaps. “None of you understands the amount of energy we need to have to even get ourselves out on stage, and then afterward, we need something to help us come down. You should be grateful my drug of choice is just a shot of absinthe. Most other entertainers go with coke.”

“Coke got so much sugar,” Big Aunt sniffs. “Better drink Coke Zero, otherwise later you get diabetes.”

“She means cocaine—never mind. So then what happened?”

“I got the absinthe and we carried the body to the groomsmen suite. I just burst in there and went, ‘You boys ready to party?’ while waving the bottle around. The groomsmen were like, WOW, beautiful girl AND alcohol?”

“I think they only notice the alcohol,” Ma mutters.

“They were whistling!”

“At the alcohol!”

“Okay, okay,” I whisper-shout over them. “Then what happened?”

“Well, I used my womanly wiles to lead them to the far side of the living room, and while we opened the bottle and poured shots for everyone, your mother and Second Aunt carried the body inside and put him in one of the bedrooms. Everything went smoothly, and THEN your mother had one of her crazy ideas—”

“Not crazy,” Ma huffs. “I just want to make sure they not so—you know—not so alert. Because if they so alert, if they find out too early that there is dead body in the bedroom, then that will be very bad.”

“Ma, just tell me, what did you do?”

“I just—I see many bottles of champagne in their kitchen, so I open one or two and I put some—you know.”

I take a deep breath. Be strong, self. “I don’t know. What did you put in the bottles?”

“Just Chinese medicine, very good for health.”

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