Page 19 of Dial A for Aunties

Ma’s standing there, frozen, a look of horror on her face.

“Ma, you okay?”

She turns to look at me slowly, then says, in a voice full of horrified wonder, “Eggplant is penis?”

“Yeah.” I sigh, feeling so ashamed of my generation.

“I thought he mean, you know, fried eggplant. I thought—” She looks so lost and small that I can’t help but feel sorry for her. I put an arm around her shoulders and squeeze.

“It’s okay, Ma. I know.”

“Yes, it’s okay, everyone has to learn how to sext at some point,” Fourth Aunt says.

I shoot her a dirty look.

“Sext?” Ma says.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say, patting her shoulder. “So, um. Okay, so this clarifies some things. Not that it excuses Jake’s behavior in any way, but I see now why he was so... uh—”

“Horny?” Fourth Aunt says. She grins when I shoot her another dirty look.

Ma’s hand flies to her mouth again. “Meddy, is it... did I get boy killed because I say I want to eat his eggplant?”

I open my mouth to answer, but my aunts beat me to it, shouting, “NO!” in unison.

“So what if you say you want eat eggplant?” Second Aunt says.“Maybe one day you want eat eggplant, but then another day you don’t want, is okay you change mind.”

“Yes, he is very bad boy, very bad,” Big Aunt says.

“But if I don’t say, ‘Wah, yes, I want to eat your eggplant,’ then maybe he not so—you know—”

“Meddy, when he said those things to you in the car, what did you say to him?” Fourth Aunt says.

“I told him no, I wasn’t interested in that. I moved his hand off my knee. I was pretty clear about what I wanted and didn’t want.”

“See?” Fourth Aunt says, triumphantly. “The eggplant doesn’t matter. That was just flirting. Everybody does it. But he chose to take it further after Meddy said no. It’s not your fault.”

I nod emphatically. “It really isn’t your fault, Ma.” A tiny voice in my mind says:Well, it kind of is, in that if she hadn’t impersonated me in the first place...

I squash the voice down. No use pointing fingers now.

“Okay, back to what happen,” Big Aunt says. “So this baggy douche try touch you—”

“Douchebag,” Fourth Aunt says.

Big Aunt waves her off. “Douchebaggy try touch you—”

“Um, and then I kind of freaked out—panicked—and uh. I may have Tased him a little.”

Four pairs of eyes stare at me, horrified.

“Meddy,” Second Aunt breathes. “You have Taser?”

I can’t help cringing as I nod. Here it comes. They’re going to—

“Can we see?” Second Aunt says.

Huh?

---