Page 140 of Atmosphere

Vanessa wishes, so badly, that her mother could see her now. To see and feel how incredible the life is that she has made for herself, and how desperately she wants to live it.

She wants nothing more than to go home. To go home and say she’s sorry to her mother. To find Joan and Frances.

Joan. Joan. Joan. Joan. Joan.

“If I stay to fix the payload bay doors, even if I get them to lie flat, Lydia will almost certainly die,” Vanessa says.

“We understand that. But if you do not fix the payload bay doors, it is most likely that the shuttle will not make it. Which means Lydia will not make it, either,” Joan says. Vanessa admires the strength and directness in her voice.

There’s not really any branch of statistics that can weigh her chances of closing the latches against Lydia’s chances of surviving another rev. There is no concrete answer. Everyone listening knows that.

“Lydia saved me,” Vanessa says. “She saved the shuttle. She tried to save us all.”

“Affirmative,” Joan says.

Vanessa waits and then Joan speaks up again, in a tone softer than she has used all day: “We know. We know.” And then: “But we cannot lose you.”

Vanessa closes her eyes. She can feel her breath quickening. She wants to try to fix the shuttle doors. She wants to get home and smell the dirt and oil of Earth. She wants to find her mother. She wants to see Joan’s face again.

She wants so badly to see Joan’s face again.

Please, God, let her see Joan’s face again.

Joan understands what is goingto happen before Vanessa saysit.

She understands what is going to happen before anyone in Mission Control does.

She understands that it is the only thing thatcanhappen.

There is commotion on the floor. Ray and Jack are going back and forth about how much time Lydia has. RMU is running through possibilities for what the shuttle can withstand upon reentry.

But Joan stares straight ahead at the telemetry.

Her muscles go limp for a moment, and she can feel her soul retreat into the core of her body.

She cannot love Vanessa without understanding why she will do what she does next.

But she is alsofurious.

Vanessa closes her eyes. Shestares at the darkness within herself. The fact that Joan is not speaking, Vanessa understands, is because Joan is giving her a chance to think this through…

When the answer comes—so clear—she knows that her only course of action is the cruelest thing she could do to the woman she loves.

And she hates the fact that she would not be able to live with herself if she made any other choice.

She had made Joan a promise. That she would wake up every single day and choose her. Forever.

And now she must break that promise.

“I cannot leave Lydia to die,” Vanessa says.

“I know,” Joan says in a whisper. “I know.”

Vanessa can hear the breathlessness in Joan’s voice, and she wants to reach through the microphone and hold her and apologize. She wants to tell her that given the choice, she would deny herself the joy of having met Joan, just to keep Joan safe from what she has to do now.

She wants to say, “I’m sorry, honey,” in between hyperventilating sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

But she cannot do that.

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