Page 102 of Maybe in Another Life

He nods, ever so slightly, and looks down at his shoes. “Maybe,” he says. “Yeah. Maybe.”

Henry’s not on my floor or any of the floors above mine. I checked in with nurses, administrators, three doctors, and two visitors of patients whom I mistook for staff. I rolled over three different feet on two different people, and I knocked over a trash can. I’m not sure that pushing yourself around in a wheelchair is that difficult. I think I might just be that uncoordinated.

When I give up on the sixth floor, I get back into the elevator and head down to the fourth, the floor below mine. It’s my last shot. According to the elevator buttons, the first three floors hold the lobby, the cafeteria, and administrative offices. So he’s got to be on the fourth. It’s the only one left.

The elevator opens, and there’s a man waiting for it. I start to roll myself out, and he holds the elevator open for me as I pass by. He smiles and then slips into the elevator. He’s handsome in an unconventional way, maybe in his late forties. For a moment, I wonder if he smiled at me because he thinks I’m cute, but then I remember that I’m an invalid. He just felt bad for me, wanted to help me out. The realization stings. It is not unlike the time I thought people were checking me out at the grocery store because I was having a great hair day, only to realize later that I’d had a booger. Except this is worse, to be honest. The booger incident was less condescending.

I shake it off the way I shake off everything else that plagues me, and I breathe in deeply, ready to roll my way to Henry. I’m stopped in my place by a nurse.

“Can I help you?” she asks me.

“Yes,” I tell her. “I’m looking for Henry. He’s a nurse here.”

“What’s the last name?” she asks. She is tall and broad-shouldered, with short, coarse hair. She looks as if she’s been doing this job for a long time and might be sick of it.

I don’t actually know Henry’s last name. None of the other nurses brought it up, but that’s probably because there were no Henrys on that floor anyway. The fact that she’s asking is a pretty good indication that he’s here.

“Tall, dark hair, brown eyes,” I tell her. “He has a tattoo. On his forearm. You know who I’m talking about.”

“I’m sorry, Miss, I can’t help you. What floor are you a patient on?” She hits the up button on the elevator. I think it’s for me.

“What? The fifth floor,” I say. “No, listen to me. Henry with the tattoo. I need to speak to him.”

“I can’t help you,” she says.

The elevator in front of us dings and opens. She looks at me expectantly. I don’t move. She raises her eyebrows, and I raise mine back. The elevator closes. She rolls her eyes at me.

“Henry isn’t here today,” she says. “He starts on my service tomorrow. I’ve never met him, so I’m not sure that it’s the Henry you’re talking about, but the Henry I know was transferred to me because his boss felt he was getting too close to a patient.” She can see my face change, and it emboldens her. “You can see my hesitance,” she says. She hits the button again.

“Did he get in trouble?” I ask her, and the minute it comes out of my mouth, I know it’s the wrong thing to say.

She frowns at me, as if I have confirmed her worst fears about myself and that I also just don’t seem to get it.

“I retract my question,” I tell her. “You’re probably not open to helping me find him outside of the hospital, right? No last name, no phone number?”

“That’s correct,” she says.

I nod. “I hear you,” I say. “Could I leave a message? With my phone number?”

She’s stoic and stone-faced.

“I’m gonna guess that even if I did, you’d probably just throw it away.”

“I wouldn’t waste much thought about it,” she says.

“OK,” I say. I can finally see now that it’s not going to happen today. Even if I could get past this woman, he’s still not here. Unless... maybe she’s lying? Maybe he is here after all?

I hit the up button on the elevator. “OK,” I say. “I read you loud and clear. I’ll get out of your hair.”

She looks at me sideways. The elevator dings and appears again. I start rolling myself into it and wave good-bye. She walks away. I let the elevator doors close, and then I hit the button for the same floor I’m on.

The doors open, and I take off. I wheel myself in the opposite direction from where she’s looking, past the nurses’ station. I’m at the corner before she sees me.

“Hey!” she says. I take the corner and push with all of my might toward the end of the hall. My arms feel weak, and my heart is pumping faster than it has in days, but I keep going. I turn back to see her briskly walking toward me. Her face looks pissed, but I get the impression she’s trying not to cause a scene.

In front of me are two double glass doors. They don’t open from my side, so I’m stuck. I’m dead-ended. The evil nurse is coming for me. On the opposite side of the doors, I see a doctor coming through. Any second now, he’s going to open the doors, and I can roll in. Maybe.

I’m not sure what’s possessed me to do this. Maybe it’s my desire to find Henry. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been cooped up in a room for so long with everyone on the planet telling me what to do. Maybe it’s the fact that I almost died, and on some level, that has to make you fearless. Maybe it’s all three.

---