Page 104 of Battle of the Bookstores

She’s definitely therapizing me now, but I think I’m okay with it?

“Because it’s scary!” I shake my head. “What if I meet RJ in real life and we have zero chemistry and it’s super awkward? I could lose him as a friend.”

“I don’t think that’s what you’re scared of. I think you’re worried that you’d havetonsof chemistry in real life—and then you’d have to face the question of what happens next.”

She’s hit the nail on the head, and my eyes fill with tears again. There’s no turning the page and moving on when it’s your own life. No closing the book and choosing a new one. I’d have to face my own feelings, and that’s the scariest thing of all.

“RJ’s coming to IBNE,” I say, wiping my eyes. “He wants to meet up, and I’ve been avoiding it. But maybe I…maybe I should.”

Georgia studies me through the screen. “What would you do if you met RJ and the connection was there—physical, emotional, mental, all of it—and he felt the same way?”

“I think…I would want to go for it with him.” Even though I don’t know where he lives, or if our lives even make sense, I’d want to try.

“And what would happen with Ryan?” Georgia asks.

My stomach knots. The thought of hurting Ryan is physically painful. Not to mention, how could I show up at work every day and ignore the blazing-hot attraction between us? Would I spend the rest of my life thinking about whatalmosthappened?

I wish I didn’t have to choose. I’ve gone thirty years without allowing myself to feel a connection with any man, and now I’ve gone and gotten attached to two. But as much as I don’t want to lose Ryan, my connection with RJ feels deeper. I need to give that a chance.

“I’d have to tell Ryan there’s someone else I’m interested in,” I say finally.

“Okay. And what if you meet RJ and you have zero chemistry?” Georgia asks.

My heart feels like it’s in a vise. I’ve built RJ up so much in my mind, but she’s right; there might be nothing there.Just a wonderful online friendship—which I would still be grateful for.

And if that’s the case?

Ryan’s face fills my mind, the sight of him kneeling between my legs, gazing up at me and confessing everything he’s fantasized about. It must have nearly killed him to step away. Yet, he did, because what he wants is something more, something deeper.

Am I brave enough to give that to him? I’m not sure, but I want to be. I want to have the courage to step out of my bookish little world and embrace the possibility of something real, even if it means risking my heart. Because continuing to let fear hold me back feels like the biggest risk of all.

“I think I know what I need to do,” I tell Georgia. “Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime,” she says, smiling.

After saying goodbye, I pull up my chat with RJ, take a deep breath, and send a message.

BookshopGirl:I would really like to meet you. In person.

26

Ryan

She wants tomeet me. In person.

Correction: she wants to meetRJin person.

I wrap the towel tighter around my waist and toss the lotion back in my nightstand drawer. I can’t stop thinking about my view from between Josie’s legs, looking up at her perched on the counter, her head thrown back in ecstasy.

Stopping was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But thank god I did—it would’ve been worse if she’d sent RJ that message after we’d slept together.

I leave the message unanswered while I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Bed, where I won’t be going anytime soon with Josie.

I wish I didn’t know how fucking perfect she tasted.

It was her moaning that ruined everything. Under normal circumstances, it would have turned me on, knowing she was enjoying herself, that I was doing a good job. But tonight, it brought me back to that conversation with BookshopGirl when she told me she was a quiet lover. Josie even brought up the stupid myth thing.

It screwed with my head, being intimate with Josie while Iwas thinking about BookshopGirl and she was thinking about RJ. Plus, I promised myself that nothing would happen between us until she knows the truth. So instead of fucking the smartest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and living out my fantasy, my fingers (the very ones that were inside her just moments before) buttoned her blouse and walked her home.

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