Page 53 of Counterpoint and Harmony

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Lacrimoso:tearfully; sadly

Charlie

I close my eyes as the door clicks shut, finally releasing the tight hold on my emotions. Silent tears track down my cheeks. Sniffing, I wipe them away and slip under the covers, turning onto my side and curling into a ball.

I’ve never felt so uncertain of where I stand with someone as I do with Damian. My place in life and relationships has always been clearly defined. Even before, when we were together at Marycliff, I knew where I stood with him almost the entire time. The only momentary confusion caused by misassumptions on my part and lack of communication in general. But we worked past that, and then we were together. Dating. He was my boyfriend, and I was his girlfriend.

There was no ambiguity. No room for doubt or confusion. He loved me and told me so.

And now?

Now we’re in this weird limbo. We talk daily. We text. We kiss. And we have sex. Twice now.

But he didn’t stay after this time.

Yet another change.

More tears leak from my eyes, crossing the bridge of my nose, running out of the corner of my eye, and dampening my pillow. I suck in a shaky breath, letting them flow, not trying to control myself or tamp it down. Holding it in will only make it worse when it breaks free later. Possibly at a less opportune moment. Like in front of him. Or in front of him and an audience.

No, better to cry now about this new, ambivalent Damian who has sex with me without telling me he loves me. Who doesn’t command me to look at him so he can watch me come undone, so he can show me what I do to him in return, revealing himself to me in the most intimate way. Who dresses and leaves after sex instead of crawling back into bed with me and holding me while we sleep.

I didn’t really want him to stay. Bringing up his sister, getting dressed again, saying I’m tired—all of those things were designed to push him away. It just didn’t used to be so easy to accomplish.

Because even though I didn’t really want him to stay, I also didn’t want him to go.

What I really want is my Damian back. The one who loves me and tells me so. The one who waits patiently, allowing me to drop my defenses in my own time.

But that Damian, the one I knew, the one I fell in love with, is lost to me. Gone. Changed. Maybe forever.

Grabbing one of the extra pillows, I wrap my arms around it, clutching it to my chest, surrendering myself completely to my tears and letting them all out.

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