Page 84 of Nobody in Particular

The words make no sense at all.

“You kissed… Harriet?” I repeat numbly.

“She kissed me,” Danni says. “But I couldn’t stop her. I didn’t realize what was happening until we’d already kissed, and some guys saw us. I’m so sorry, Rose. I didn’t—”

“Rose!” someone says from the doorway.

Molly, Eleanor, and Harriet are gathered, looking in on us. I can see from the look on Molly’s face that her fears echo mine. As soon as Danni looks over at them, Molly relaxes.

“Are you okay?” Harriet asks Danni.

“So that’s where my vodka went,” Eleanor says, craning her neck.

I zero in on Harriet. She kissed Danni. She kissed myverydrunk girlfriend, against her will.

The fear from the last few minutes swirls and spirals and suddenly explodes, and I’m untangling myself from Danni and advancing on Harriet. She steps backward in alarm.

“I asked you what you did to her,” I hiss. Eleanor and Molly spring away from Harriet, wearing identical expressions of concern.

Harriet’s eyes widen. “I—I told you I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, you didn’t want to explain to me why you thought it was okay to force yourself on my—friend?”

“It wasn’t like that!”

“She can’t even hold herself up!” I cry, throwing my arm backward to where Danni lies on the bed.

“She wasn’t that drunk when we kissed.”

“Whenyoukissedher,” I shout.

“Rose, keep your voice down,” Molly urges.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I cry, ignoring Molly.

Theodore has arrived to see what all the shouting is about. He makes eye contact with me in a silent question, while Harriet holds her hands up in surrender. I reel on her, wanting to slap them down. “I’m sorry!” she cries.

“No, you’re not. You don’t even know what sorry is. I’m going to make you so fucking sorry, you’re going to spend the rest of your life recounting tonight to your therapist.”

“Rose,” Molly says in horror.

But I can’t stop. The anger has a mind of its own, and it feels so wonderfully cathartic, I give myself over to it. “You’re done. You won’t sit with us, you won’t look at us, you won’t have theaudacityto speak to us. Any of us. You can find new friends to harass and sexually assault, and whoever has the misfortune to inherit you is not going to hear awordfrom you about what you did to her. If anyone asks why you’re suddenly alone, I want you to tell them we grew tired of your endless inane questions, and your humiliating lack ofboundaries, and yourinsistenceupon over-explaining concepts everyone understood the first time.”

I watch with vicious satisfaction as Harriet transitions from wounded, to devastated, to furious. I want to goad her further, to find the insult that lands just right. To tip her over the edge, so she snaps at me, and gives me a good reason to properly snap back. I want to rip her apart for touching Danni. I want to destroy her.

“Rose,” she says, very slowly. “Calm down. Your girlfriend didn’t kiss me back.”

Several things happen at once. I spring forward, finally losing control of myself altogether, at the same moment Eleanor leaps to hold me in place with all her body weight. Theodore places himself swiftly between me and Harriet, while Molly whirls on Harriet and shoves her, firmly, out of the room, whispering something unintelligible but jagged-sounding as she does. And behind me, Danni calls out urgently. “Rose.”

At the sound of Danni’s voice, I fall limp in Eleanor’s grip.

Molly is staring at me with something akin to horror. Or perhaps it could better be described as unrecognizing. She’s closed the door behind her and is standing pressed against it, almost as though she’s trying to put as much space between us as she can. When Eleanor releases me, I discover she’s looking at me in much the same way.

“Where did that come from?” Molly asks me, and I don’t have an answer.

I’ve never lost control before. I’ve never even allowed myself to feel enough of anything to come close.

Not anger, not sadness, and certainly not fear. Not like that.

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