Page 58 of Nobody in Particular

“So, you’renevergonna tell anyone you’re a lesbian?” she asks.

My heart skips a beat at her tone. Why is she acting as though this is brand-new information? “My parents know.”

“But no one else can?” she asks. “Not ever?”

I falter, trying to understand the confusion. Surely it goes without saying that I can’t come out publicly. Or does she mean within close circles? “I’m able to share it with people on a need-to-know basis,” I say carefully. “I do intend to tell some friends eventually. But it’s difficult to navigate. I need to be certain they’ll keep it secret even if our friendship fails.”

Would Molly, for example? Keep my secret? I believe she would. But would I be willing to gamble my future on it?

“They’d need to keep it secret forever,” Danni says. “Because you will never come out publicly.”

“I… no,” I say, dazed. “I thought you knew that.”

She raises her hands in a weak, uncertain gesture. “I figured you weren’t gonna do it, like, tomorrow. But…”

“But what?” I ask. “Why do I need to come out? I’m happy. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I think.”

Danni’s curled her hands into fists, so tight she’s white-knuckled. “You don’tneedto come out. You don’t need to do anything. But I don’t think I’m cool with hiding this forever. I mean, that’s a long time.”

My immediate instinct is to point out that, as much as I like her—and I doverymuch like her, more than I’ve liked anybody in my life—it’s hasty to be even considering the implications of forever right now. For goodness’ sake, a few minutes ago I was panicking she would think I was moving things too fast by calling us girlfriends. But wording it like that might come across as quite a bit more hurtful than I mean it to. “I think,” I say, “it’s best to take things day by day for now. There’s no point in borrowing troubles from tomorrow. Does this matter today? Are you upset that we’re hiding today?”

“No,” she says reluctantly, and I’m encouraged.

“See? You’re not even out yourself, right?”

Danni nods at the floor. I feel terrible that she didn’t realize the strings that come with being involved with me. Stupidly, I’d assumed it didn’t need to be clarified. The sky is blue, we breathe oxygen tolive, it’s the queen’s job to marry a man and produce an heir. But Danni didn’t grow up here. How could I have expected her to know the truths I take for granted? It was my responsibility to make sure she knew what kissing me meant, right from the start.

“Do you have any questions?” I ask.

She doesn’t hesitate. “So, you’re gonna marry a man someday?”

“Yes.”

“Then what? You break it off with… whoever you’re seeing?”

“No. When I marry, it’ll be to somebody who understands the terms. My marriage will be for show, and hopefully friendship, but it won’t be the same as my life partner.”

“But why?” she asks. “You’ll be the queen eventually, right? You call the shots.”

“I’ll be the queen of a majority-Catholic country. A country which has already come right to the precipice of abolishing the monarchy altogether recently.”

Danni doesn’t look convinced. “Well, if they decide to do that because of who you are, that’s not your fault. Besides, you can’t tell me there’s never been a king or queen who decided not to marry and have children before.”

With anybody else, the questioning might come across as criticism of me, and I may have grown defensive. Danni, however, manages to maintain a gentle enough tone that it feels like a conversation rather than an interrogation.

“There have been,” I say. “And their family line has ended with them.”

My words don’t appear to have the impact on her they have on me. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” she says carefully, “but so what?”

“So… centuries of my family standing at the head of the country, only for the history books to forever note it ended with me?” I say. “It’s out of the question. I would step aside before I allowed that to happen. My uncle or cousin could take my place.”

“Okay, so, again… why wouldn’t you do that?”

“Because it’s what I’ve been raised for. It’s the future I’ve always seen for myself. I have things I want to do when I’m queen. With that position, I could do some good. I could make my family proud.”

I might even, one day, become someone I’m proud of myself.

“WhyshouldI give that up?” I finish.

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