Page 115 of Nobody in Particular

Well, won’t they just love me in a few minutes?

The guards that stand stationed by the gates hurry over to me, standing between me and the crowd. I turn to Danni and place a hand on her shoulder. “Stay here,” I tell her, before pushing my way through the crowd of students. Molly and Eleanor follow me.

As I open the side gate, the guards dart toward me, alarmed at the action. But the reporters back off, as I knew they would. There is an unspoken agreement here: they will give me space, and I will give them a story. I walk through the gate with the guards at my heels, and they drop back, leaving me alone.

Standing before the towering wrought-iron gates, I hold up my hands for quiet.

My parents, and William, and Alfie may think me a pawn, but I know the rules of this game as well as all of them. And now they’ve pushed me to play.

“Ever since I can remember, I knew I was going to be the queen one day,” I project in a steady voice. “Some people might have found the idea intimidating. Not me. I love this country, and everyone in it. Other children might dream of the chance to change the world, but I knew one day Iwouldhave that chance. I have been given the opportunities, and privilege, and tools to make a difference. When I was small, I planned my future reign the way some children might plan their future wedding.”

They have no idea what’s coming. The microphones are tilted my way, and the faces are eager but not yet stunned.

“Then I grew a little older, and my dreams were shattered. I realized that as much as I wanted to serve my country, this country would never want me to serve it as I was. At first, I tried to find a way for it to work out. I placed rules on myself. I had every faith that I could comply with those rules. But I don’t want to ignore who I am anymore. Not even for the country that I love so much.”

I open my mouth to continue, but nothing comes out. They’re waiting expectantly for the words I can’t believe I’m about to allow to leave my lips. The words that are going to change the course of everything.

Because I decide the current.Ido.

“I am a lesbian,” I say, and the world falls silent. I step forward into that silence. Let me be unflinching. “That fact does not reduce my worth, or my capabilities. It is not a point of shame, and I’m certain it has no effect on my ability to serve you as I was raised to believe I someday would. If I am still afforded the opportunity, I will give myself to all of you, gladly, until the day I die. But it will be myself I give, as I am. Not a version of me I am only pretending to be. If I must be forced to lie about who I am at my core in order to be accepted, then I will not be accepted. There are others who will perform my role splendidly, and who will make you proud. If I cannot make you proud, then I will listen and abide. But I very much hope to serve you as queen one day.”

The people standing before me are staring, wide-eyed and gaping. Just for a moment, they aren’t observing me as reporters, tucking my words away and forming silent questions. They’re staring at me as citizens of my country, citizens in shock, trying to process an unprecedented action. I have the power to turn their worlds upside down with a simple admission. In return, they have the power to destroy me or raise me up, depending on how they relay my words to everyone else.

So, what is it? Am I to be despised, or accepted?

What’s the better story?

What’s the better future?

We all survey one another for a beat of silence. Then, they explode into questions, eyes bulging and hands waving and voices scraping as they compete to yell over one another.

But, for now, I have nothing more to say.

For the first time, I truly understand what Danni meant back in November, when she ended things with me. What was it she’d said? She wanted to hurt now, to avoid a greater hurt later?

I think perhaps it was more than that. I think, even then, she knew that the fear of living a secret so enormous, knowing that, at any moment, it may be discovered, is no way to live. It’s no life at all to merely pretend to live one while forever preemptively sitting within the fear of its loss.

At least, whatever happens from here, it will happen on my terms.

Thanking them, I head back inside the gate where Molly and Eleanor rejoin my side. Now we’re facing a different crowd. One consisting of my peers, girls I’ve gone to school with for years, some I’ve known my whole life. Staring at me as though they’ve just met me.

“Holy shit, Rose,” Eleanor says in a low voice as she walks. “Holyshit.”

“Keep walking, just keep going,” Molly instructs, shoving me forward.

Danni stands where I left her, but now, her mother is by her side, wrapping an arm around her. Neither of them appear able to tear their eyes from me. Before we reach them, Danni hands her mother her key card, promising to meet her in her bedroom soon. As Mrs. Baker turns to leave, Danni runs to me, and I take her hand in mine as I walk. “Why did you do that?” Danni asks in a trembling voice, hurrying to keep my pace. “Please tell me that was your choice.”

I open my mouth to reply, but instead, I start to laugh, and I can’t seem to stop myself.

Because for the first time in my life, it actually was.

FIFTY-ONEROSE

I expect to find William waiting for me in the office, but there’s nobody here. Seconds after we reach the headmaster’s waiting room, though, he bursts through the door after us. He must have been a part of the crowd when I spoke. Good, no need to update him, then.

“Ahh, William,” I say brightly as he storms up to us. “Found you.”

He stops several feet away from me, and scans my face with disbelieving eyes. “Rose, I…” he trails off, shaking his head, “have never been more disappointed in you.”

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