Page 34 of Never Ever Getting Back Together

“So, why are you telling me?”

He grins. “Villains don’t win shows like this, and I haven’t given up on Phuket yet.”

Well, whatever Isaac says, he wasn’t there to watch Jordy’s vibe transition from “it’s been way too long” to “I’m being forced to hang out with my homophobic great-uncle while my parents go to the grocery store.” I’m going home tomorrow. Without a doubt. And now, apparently, I can’t even expose Jordy before I’m kicked off without either being villainized or sued by a probably corrupt monarchy. I can’t warn the other girls, except maybe Perrie, because they think I’m a bitch, and maybe I was a bitch, butso were they.Not that it matters who was right anymore, anyway. All that matters is who gets to write the public narrative.

And, once again, that someone is not going to be me.

There’s no way to win this. I’ve been checkmated on night one.

“So, what do I do now?” I ask Isaac.

He gets up and pulls me to my feet with him. “You’re in a ball gown, at a mansion, with unlimited alcohol, and some really awesome girls to hang out with. How about you wash your face, grab a drink, and make the most of the night while you can?”

I run a fist under my eyes and nod.

He’s right. I’m going down either way, and I’m not going down in a blaze of fire. So, a haze of vodka will have to do.

After a trip to the bathroom to clean up, I make a beeline for Perrie, who’s sitting alone. Not too far from her, Kim and Francesca are having what seems to be a very serious conversation, the camera crew hovering right beside them.

“Hey,” Perrie says. “I was looking for you. Where’ve you been?”

“Bonding with my producer. I found Jell-O shots. Do you wanna do some Jell-O shots?”

Perrie raises her eyebrows as I pull her up. “How many Jell-O shots haveyouhad, exactly?”

“Shots, shots, shots, shots!” I chant, which is a close enough answer in itself.

Even better, they’ve refilled the whole tray and cleared the evidence of my shame. The flavor is lime now, too, just to mix things up, you know, keeping shit fresh, keeping us motivated to drink. And drink, and drink, so they can film us falling over and yelling about drama and other stuff, but I won’t do that, because I amsmartand I amonto themand I will not be coerced. They will not take me down with Jell-O shots. Not tonight! Not any night!

Perrie tries one, and widens her eyes at me. “Oh, damn, these aregood.”

“Yes. They’re very, very good. And wine is awful. Jell-O, good. Old grapes, bad.”

“Wine,” Perrie explains after another shot, “is one of those things that tastes different if you beat your taste buds into submission with it over and over again.”

“But why? Why go through that torture when you can just do Jell-O shots?”

“Because Jell-O shots aren’t always appropriate, I guess. Like, what if you’re eating a meal with the royal family?”

“Jell-O shots at the table. Jell-O shots for the queen!” I slam my empty glass down for emphasis, and Perrie holds hers up in a cheers. I pick up another, because pacing is for chumps and I am a chaos gremlin. “Did you like seeing Jordy?”

“It was okay, I guess. He’s sort of a stranger these days, though. Plus, he did all that stuff to you, which is kind of hard to push past.”

“Thank you forbelievingme!” I say, banging my forehead against her shoulder.

“Is that not normal?”

“No,” I say to the floor, leaving my head where it was. “It is not normal. I’manguished.”

“Anguished, huh?”

“Also, I don’t think Jordy wants me here at all. I heard the producers say I’m getting sent home tomorrow.”

Perrie pulls me upright so she can look at me in horror. “What?Oh no!”

Before I can tell her my tale of woe, Skye wanders in.Fuck.NotSkye.I freakinghateSkye. Thewooooorst.

“I heard there were shots,” she says awkwardly.

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