Page 135 of Never Ever Getting Back Together

I find a semi-quiet spot against a wall, turn the volume up as high as I can, and open it. The video has an alarming number of views for only being a few hours old, and they’re going up like The Flash’s pedometer. It only takes me a minute to watch it in its entirety, but when I finish, I gape at my phone.

I message Perrie but, unsurprisingly, I don’t get an immediate response from her. So, I message Isaac, and he video calls me.

“Hey hey,” he says. The video is almost completely dark, save for the odd flashing red or blue strobe, which is strange considering it’s not even midafternoon in the US right now.

“Where are you?” I yell, hoping he can hear me over the noise of the station.

“Um…” He turns to a man sitting next to him. “Babe, where are we?” he asks, before turning back to me triumphantly. “The Titty Twister!”

“Great,” I say. “Which is?”

“Patong!”

It takes me a second. “Oh, you’re in Phuket!”

“Yes, and I amdrunk! And I know why you’re calling!”

“Well, you called me, but yeah.”

“It was all me,” Isaac says.

“A terrible mistake,” his boyfriend says over his shoulder, and Isaac shoves him out of the frame.

“Yes.” Isaac laughs. “A terrible, huge mistake. See, I made it for Maya to show on the special, but then she went all grand gesture on you, blah blah, and it went to waste!”

“Right. So how did it end up with Perrie, exactly?”

“Colossal error. She wanted me to send her the photos she took with that camera, and I accidentally went into my files, accidentally found the video, and accidentally uploaded it to the file share, oh no, Skye.”

“Oh no,” I agree.

“Yeah. And it’s even worse that it ended up with Perrie, of all people, because you know how she is with her Instagram. And now it’s gone viral and she’s getting all these thousands and thousands of new followers.”

“That’s awful.” I gasp, placing a hand over my chest.

“Iknow,right?”

“Are you gonna get in trouble?” I ask.

“Mm, I’m American, and Perrie’s American, and it was all one big accident, so… probably the fuck not! And I can always just hide here until this all blows over if I want to anyway, because I just got off the phone with Gwendolyn and she’s given me a big enough bonus to come back every year till I die. It’s publicity you can’t buy.”

“Sounds like it’s all worked out pretty perfectly for everyone involved,” I say.

“Mm. Yup! Except Jordy. Yeah. But, I figure, that’s okay, because he’s a fucking prick and I hope he chokes.”

I burst out laughing as Isaac excuses himself to return to clubbing.

Going through my messages, I find one from Kim:Can you believe this bellend???? Can you actually believe it????? Im in shock. Is maya there yet? Can we move our catch up earlier? Im not waiting until next weekend to debrief

Lauren:Hey love I just wanted to check if your okay? Im sure there gonna drag you and maya into this so let me know if I need to fight anyone! Perries followers are going up a lot though which is nice isnt it. Hope your well!!

Francesca:Yoooooo I’m DEAD I am dead and deceased and I think mams right. THERE IS A GOD! Idk maybe I should go to church. Im playing the part where he flirts with me then dumps me on repeat until I die for real

When I finish replying, Perrie finally responds.Hey, sorry, it’s been crazy. My phone’s going nuts, I have about a thousand dms, and I’m pretty sure every newspaper in the country wants an interview. Heads up, because they’ll start contacting you soon if they haven’t already! AHHH! P.S. you’re welcome. This is what he gets for messing with us.

In the arrivals area of the airport, I notice a couple of people looking at me funny. It doesn’t take long for them to pull out their phones and take photos of me in a way that’s meant to be subtle, but is actually about as subtle as a flock of flying elephants.

The plane landed a while ago, but it’ll be at least ten minutes until the passengers make it through immigration. I distract myself by messaging Dad, putting my earbuds in to drown out the endless announcements and dings blaring through the airport speakers.Look up @perriebellematthesson on Instagram

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