Page 96 of If This Gets Out

“You’re the worst.”

“Come on, tell me. Let me guess, you’re dating someone?”

I pause.

“Er…”

“Oh, you are! That’s so great, who is she? Look at you, you’re blushing, this is precious. You know, I thought this would happen while you were overseas, you scoundrel.”

“Mom, stop. Um…”

Tears fill my eyes.

Just saying this is really hard. Way harder than I was even expecting. And I want to say it because I know if I don’t do it right now I’m going to talk myself out of this and telling her is the whole point of this call. I should just do it so that it’s done.

“Mom, the thing is, I kind of like guys. I’m bi.”

“Oh.”

I know for the rest of my time on this earth I’m going to remember what she says next.

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

“A while.”

“All right, wow. I had no idea.”

“Really?”

“Okay, maybe I had some idea. A few of my friends said it could be possible, but you never gave off a vibe to me. I had no clue.”

“But you have thought about it?”

“As much as any mom does.”

“Then why did you say you had no idea?”

“I thought you’d want to hear that.”

“Why would I want to hear that?”

“I don’t know, Zach. I wasn’t expecting to have this dropped on me right now. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just thought now would be a good time because…”

I don’t know how to finish this sentence, because I’m not even sure why I thought this was a good time. Clearly, I thought wrong.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay.” She tears up. “I feel like I’ve let you down. I don’t care about you being bi or gay or anything, I just wish you’d told me sooner. I could’ve helped you through this. Jesus, Zach, we’re not even in the same country.”

“I know. I think this is one of the things I needed to figure out on my own. Being overseas helped, I think.”

“Oh. But you know you could’ve talked to me at any point, though, right?” Her voice has an edge to it.

“Definitely.”

“How many people know?”

“Um, the band, and I had to tell Chorus, because it’s my job, you know?”

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