Page 34 of If This Gets Out

“Meet me in my room when we’re back? To talk,” I clarify quickly as Zach stiffens again.

“Sounds good.”

“Okay. Can we call a truce until then? You’re acting really obvious.”

“I’macting obvious? You’re the one who’s forcing me to take photos with you so you can prove a point.”

“I’m not trying toprove a point,I’m trying to prove we’reokay,” I whisper, even though maybe it’s a bit of both.

“Not all of us spent years in theater, Ruben. I’m not a good liar. Plus, if you actually wanted it to look less obvious, you’d keep your distance so we don’t have to pretend.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was so difficult for you to act like you liked me.”

“Can you stop reading intoeverythingI say? I don’t mean it like that, I just mean it’s weird, and you know it.” He sighs. “I’mtrying,Ruben, okay? If I’d known it was going to mess things up this badly I would’ve never—”

He stops, apparently remembering we’re in a public place. And I bleed, and I bleed, and I bleed.

It’s Christopher all over again. But infinitely worse.

My voice is venomous. “Yeah, well, it’s weird for me, too, but forgive me if my heart isn’t breaking for you theone timeyou have to act one way in public when you feel another way, because that’s every day for me. If I can do it, you can. Soplease—”

People are staring at us. I shove my smile back on.

“Just be cool for the next thirty minutes.”

“I’ll be fine if you just leave me alone.”

Oh mygod. “Whatever, Zach.”

We split up and head to opposite sides of the room. I can feel eyes on me, and I scan the room quickly, to find Erin watching me with her lips pressed together in a hard line.

If I don’t get this under controlnow, we’re going to be in a world of trouble with Geoff any minute now.

And who knows what’ll happen then.

I, personally, don’t want to find out.

Even though Zach still doesn’t sit with me on the bus back to the hotel, I’m feeling hopeful for the first time in days. Just the fact that he’s open to talking means our friendship isn’t a write-off, right? I spend the trip in the back row with my legs drawn up to my chest, running through different scenarios in my head.

Zach says he hates me now, but is open to working together to keep the peace (not my favorite).

Zach says he could never hate me, and he’ssosorry for his hurtful words, he just felt embarrassed and awkward about what we did. (This one seems most likely of the bunch, and I’ve decided I’ll accept it and apologize in return if this happens. I just need to hear an acknowledgment that the comment about my looks was unwarranted. That’s all.)

Zach says he’s madly in love with me, and has been weird because he didn’t know how to confess it (not going to happen, but still nice to envision).

Zach says he has no feelings for me, but proposes a friends-with-benefits agreement. (I mean, hewassuper into the kiss at the time. My reactions to this fantasy range from “hell no” to “oh, well, maybe” at random.)

Jon sticks his head over the back of his seat to smile down at me. “You okay?” he asks, his voice low.

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“I know what you mean. It feels like we’re working way harder here even though we have the same routine as we did at home, right?”

“Jet lag?” I suggest.

“Maybe. Or maybe we just need a break.”

“We justhada break,” I remind him.

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