Page 29 of If This Gets Out

I’m going to throw up, I’m going to—

I’m going to hurt him.

I can’t hurt him. I also can’t lead him on. I can’t say what I know he wants me to say, just to make him feel better. That’s not fair on me, and it’s not fair on him. It’s better to just take some time, figure my shit out, and then talk to him once I know for sure what is going on, and what I want.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “But I really need some space to process this.”

“Don’t be sorry, I get it.”

“No, but I am. You know I really care about you, right? And the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Ruben’s eyes flare. “You know, we’ve got to go to breakfastsoon.” His voice is hard, and Iknowhe’s hurt. But I will hurt him even more if I tell him I like guys and that turns out to be untrue.

“Totally.” I shoot out of bed and search for my shirt. How the fuck did it get over by thewindow? “I want to have a shower first. I’ll let you get ready, and I’ll see you down there.”

“Won’t those girls still be in your room?” he asks, as he pulls his blankets around himself.

Crap. The girls. That’s a wrinkle, sure, but my mind is screaming at me to get out of here before I say another thing wrong and make this even more of a mess.

“I’ll use Jon’s shower,” I say.

“You can use the one here.”

“No, no, I’m okay. Thanks.”

“Zach.”

“I’ll see you at breakfast.”

I all but launch myself out of the door. I close it, and rest my forehead against it for a moment, taking in a heavy breath.

What.

The. Fuck.

Have I gotten myself into?

I was hoping once I was out of the room I’d feel some sort of relief. No such luck, though, out here I still feel like complete and utter crap. The hurt in Ruben’s eyes is killing me. I know Ruben, and if I saw he was hurt, it’s only because I blindsided him. Normally he doesn’t show pain. He brushes it off or says something snarky. Almost nothing gets to him.

But this did.

I walk back to my room, and rap my knuckles on the door.

The door opens, revealing one of the girls from last night. I think her name was Manon? Her hair’s a mess, her mascarais smudged, and she’s still in her purple cocktail dress. She has pale skin, and truly is extraordinarily pretty. I imagine kissing her, and I don’t hate the idea. What the fuck, brain?

“Zach,” she says. “Do you want your room back? Lily is still asleep, but I should be able to get her up, if you need?”

I wave a hand. “It’s fine, I’ll go for a walk, I was just checking if you’re still using it. Take all the time you need.”

“If you’re sure?”

“Totally.”

“Thanks, Zach, you’re a lifesaver.”

I go down the hall, and into the elevator.

My phone is sitting heavy in my pants pocket, so I pull it out and check it. Ruben is the last person I messaged, and seeing his name makes my heart rate spike. All I can picture now is his wounded expression. It fills my vision, taking over everything, making my stomach sink.

---