Page 21 of If This Gets Out

My first reaction is, honestly, to be sort of pleased. I can’t help it. Positive feedback is my bread and butter, and you can’t beat being told you’re crowd-voted beautiful for positive feedback. It takes me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that if only Jon and I are on it, Zach and Angel aren’t.

“How didheget on it and I didn’t?” Angel asks in a huff, gesturing to Jon.

“That’s not nice,” Zach says. “Jon’s sexy.”

“Jon’s repressed,” Angel snaps. “Pretty isn’t the same as sexy. Jon blushes anytime a girl looks at him.”

Jon blinks rapidly, eyebrows sky-high. “Tell me how you really feel next time.”

“You can’t tell me this shit isn’t rigged,” Angel scowls.

“Of course it’s rigged,” Jon snaps, before turning to Erin. “They don’t come up with this on their own. Dad submitted us, right?”

Erin doesn’t deny it, and I suddenly realize I was stupid to think I’d been voted in by adoring fans. Of course Chorus picked who went on the list. I’ve understood the importance of maintaining our roles as romantic fantasies at all costssince the very beginning; Geoff made it very clear when I first told him that my hope was to come out publicly at sixteen.Think of this like one of your musicals, Ruben. You’re playing a part in a show. Those who want the part need to prove they’re the best person for the role.His point was that there would always be understudies. He didn’t spell it out, but he didn’t have to.

“Yougoton the list, Jon. Why aren’t you happy?” Erin asks.

Jon scrunches the caramel wrapper in his fist, but won’t look Erin in the eye. “Wouldn’t you be weirded out if your dad submitted shirtless photos of you to a magazine?”

“I’m yet to take shirtless photos,” Erin says. I think she means it as a weak joke, but no one laughs. She sighs. “That’s what you get when your dad’s your manager, I guess. Try to see the bright side. It’s positive publicity.”

“At least you’re in it,” Angel says. There’s an edge to his voice.

Zach, who hates confrontation more than anything in the world, wilts beside me.

“It’s not your brand, Angel,” Erin says in exasperation. “But I get that you’re disappointed.”

“I’m not disappointed,” he snaps. “I’m pissed off.”

“Come on. Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“I’m fucking ripped, and I’m ten times the dancer Ruben is, and I’ve hooked up with more girls than Jon’s mustered the courage to say hi to, but Chorus just happened to coincidentally decide thatI’mthe sweet virgin.”

“Okay,” Erin says, her smile looking strained now. “Noted. I thought the group of you might be happy about this exceptional promotional opportunity that will elevate the band as a whole. As always, I’m more than happy to pass on your feedback to Geoff.”

Jon’s suddenly interested in looking at the ground, and even Angel shakes his head noncommittally. The only thing complaining to Geoff does is get you stripped down. Nothing changes. Not even if it’s his own son complaining.

“If it helps,” Keegan calls from the front of the bus. “I didn’t get on the list, either.”

Zach clears his throat. “Congratulations,” he says weakly, smiling at me, then Jon.

“See, that’s the team-player attitude I was looking for,” Erin chirps.

Jon glowers at her, then seems to give up. “So, who’s excited to climb the Eiffel Tower?” he asks in a strained voice.

“Oh, we won’t have time to go to the top,” Erin says. “Just a photo, then we have to get you all to another interview at M6 Music.”

From the looks on everyone’s faces, no one’s particularly surprised to hear it.

When Erin makes her way back to the front, Angel folds his arms. “Youknowthey didn’t submit me because they think an Asian guy can’t be sexy,” he mutters. “Fucking unbelievable.”

Jon’s smile is acidic. “Dad thinks he can’t be racist because he married a Black woman. He’s never gotten it, man. Doubt he ever will.”

Angel gives a snort of disgust and turns his attention to his phone. Jon watches him, looking lost in thought, then, finally, slumps back in his seat and squeezes his eyes shut.

Zach glances at me, and his expression is as dark as I’m sure mine is.

Zach’s shirtless in my hotel room, which is both amazing and a travesty on multiple levels.

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