Page 120 of If This Gets Out

So, for now, I’ll pretend I know the answer. I’ll pretend everything’s going to be okay.

I grab his wrist, tug him toward me, and kiss him desperately.

We keep the door open as we kiss, him pressing me hard against the wall, even as more and more clothing falls to the floor. There’s something so exhilarating about having so much open space around us. About being completely ourselves, outside of a cramped, boxed-in hotel room. And though we have a million things to talk about, from Chorus to his mom to Angel, it’s wonderful to let go of it all, for just a moment, and indulge in somethinghappy.Even if it’s only briefly.

He has brought condoms, as it turns out. Even though he’s the one who’s never done this before, and it should be me checking with him, he hesitates before opening the box and asks me if it’s okay. And of course it’s okay, it’s more than okay, it’s everything.

He’s shaking a little at first, until I kiss his lips, and his neck, and his collarbone, and then he scrapes his fingers down the skin of my back until his hand is steady.

When he whispers my name, there’s nothing uncertain in his voice.

When his eyes lock onto mine, so dark withwantingthey’re almost chocolate, he holds my gaze.

After it’s over, and we lie tangled up in each other’s bodies, his head resting heavy on my chest, I think through a fog of happiness that I don’t want to sleep with anyone but him ever again. And even though I know that one day I might look back on this moment and think it was a naïve thing to hope for, right now, it’s the entire truth of it.

One day, I might not have him anymore. But right now, he’s the only thing that exists. So, I push away all of the other fears and grief for just a few minutes longer.

I pretend it’s just us, and that forever will be just like this moment, for a few minutes longer.

TWENTY-FOUR

ZACH

It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen the rest of Saturday.

I’ve visited Ruben, and let’s just say we had a, ahem, great time trying out all sorts of things. We’re being very safe, as he’s on PrEP and we’re using condoms, just in case, and mostly it’s nice that we don’t have to think too much about STDs and stuff.

So I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see Ruben forthatreason.

But I do also miss the band. I get to see them today, and I can’t wait.

Angel was released from rehab a few days ago. Like always, it turns out Veronica’s instincts were scarily accurate, and he was released at exactly the one-month mark. As a celebration, we’ve all arranged to meet at Ruben’s place now that Angel has had enough time to catch up with his family. We also want to watch the “Overdrive” music video, which arrived without warning in all our in-boxes a little over a week ago, but watching it without Angel felt sacrilegious, so we’ve waited for him. People at Chorus asked for our thoughts, but we all know they don’t really care about that, and they haven’t pressed us.

I go up to Ruben’s front door, and knock. A few moments later, the door opens.

And Ruben is there.

My boyfriend.

I start smiling really hard. He does, too. I press a quick kiss to his lips, then go inside. Ruben lives in a private, guarded subdivision, so I know we’re not in any danger from paparazzi, at least inside. Even on the slim chance someone has a long-distance camera, if we’re indoors, they can’t sell the photo or they’d get the crap sued out of them.

“I missed you,” he says.

“I missed you, too.”

He rubs my arm. “Want a soda?”

“Yeah, please.”

We both grab Diet Cokes, and we go onto the deck. The others, including Angel, are already here, and Ruben’s dad is grilling on the barbeque. It smells smoky and delicious. Jon and Angel are seated on the outdoor furniture, looking out at the pool. Angel beams, before awkwardly getting out of his seat, mindful of the gold-and-black Versace-pattern cast he still wears on his arm, where the compound fracture was. I didn’t even know they made those. Maybe it’s custom.

“There he is!” he says. “Finally.”

“Hey.”

He gives me a sideways hug as Jon comes up, his hands shoved in his pockets. The graze on Angel’s temple seems mostly healed, which is good, but I do see he’s still walking with a limp. Aside from that, though, he seems back to normal. I also get a hug from Jon and then a handshake from Ruben’s dad. Veronica just nods at me.

So here we are.

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