Page 112 of If This Gets Out

The flight home is all but silent.

I’m hoping to get some sleep on it, because god knows I haven’t had much lately, but as usual, even with my eyes closed, my mind refuses to still. It bubbles and crackles, jumping from topic to topic with the high-strung energy of a hummingbird.

Angel, and his recovery, and how we still don’t know enough about it beyond vague platitudes.

The media, and its now-sympathetic discussions of Angel and his apparent fatigue-driven stumble into traffic.

Jon, and the way he’s burrowed into himself since finally standing up to his dad. How I recognize the fear of the fallout of putting your foot down to a parent.

Zach, and the way his smile began to flicker when he came out to his mom, and how it’s disappeared completely since the accident. How he’s about to face his mom for the first time since coming out to her, and I’m going to be in a completely different state, unable to hold his hand, or rush right to his side if it goes wrong.

Mymom, and how she’d seemed less concerned with what happened to Angel that night than how it’d affect the tour.That, and the fact that I’dleft her on read. How, apparently, the trauma of what I’d been through that night hadn’t been a good enough Get Out of Jail Free card for my behavior.

How I have to try to go back to normal in their house. Around her. Without the band. Without Zach.

Topic to static to topic. As though my brain’s trying in vain to tune into the correct radio station. I try to drown it out with headphones andIn This House,but it only half works.

It feels like we’re in the air for a lifetime—to the point where I start to seriously consider that maybe Geoff was never planning on setting us free, and that he’s secretly diverted the plane to head to a last-minute media opportunity or something. Or maybe it’s less complex than that. Maybe we’re just hanging motionless, suspended in one place, and we’ll never get back home at all. Maybe waiting, and sitting in our grief, is all there is now.

But then the pilot announces we’re about to land in LA, and I finally open my eyes. Zach, whose shoulder has been pressed tightly against mine the whole flight, locks eyes with me, but he doesn’t speak. Doesn’t smile, either.

Usually Angel and Zach stay on the plane together while the rest of us disembark here. Today, though, we’re leaving him to go on alone. The team files past Zach, saying their goodbyes with forced cheer. Jon gives Zach a tight hug, and a lump lodges in my throat as I watch. The seconds tick away.

And now they’re gone. It’s time for my own goodbye.

I’m not ready for it.

I haven’t been apart from him for more than a few hours since we began this leg of the tour. Now, I feel like I’m being wrenched away. How am I supposed to get off this plane alone, and go home without him, and fall asleep without hisscent on my pillow, and wake up to only the echo of the symphony we made together?

I feel like life is about to enter the off-beat. That leaves me out of sync.

Gritting my teeth, I pull him roughly against me, breathing him in and gripping his hair between my fingers, to refresh my memory of holding him, so I can live off that until I see him again.

“See you soon?” I say as we break apart.

He swallows, and the corner of his mouth quirks. “Soon. Message me when you get home safe?”

I nod instead of replying, because I’m worried if I open my mouth, the words will crumble.

With a deep breath, I head out the door with Jon, and down the steps to the tarmac. I try to comfort myself as I walk. We have our phones. We have WiFi. This is going to be fine. It’s just a break.

There’s no fanfare as the team is steered by the two waiting Chase guards into the airport this time. Instead, we’re ushered through a back entrance into a private area, away from the crowds with their photos and videos and screams. Just an empty, low-level buzz punctured by airport announcements and practiced greetings by efficient airport staff. I barely have time to rub my eyes and shake the stiffness from my limbs before I’m saying goodbye to Jon by the curb. Then he’s whisked into his own car, and I’m directed into mine, and it’s over. I’m alone. Going back to my parents, with no way to avoid them. Nothing standing between me and them. No time difference.

Was it only a month ago I was upset to be leaving their time zone?

I steady my breathing as the car rolls out of the parkinglot. After half a minute, I whip my phone out and turn off flight mode to message Zach. But as soon as my phone signal returns, a message comes through from him. He must have sent it while the plane was still grounded.

Hey. I miss you.

And despite the heavy ache in my chest, I smile.

TWENTY-TWO

ZACH

Now that I’m home, staring at Mom’s front door, it’s become obvious I can’t keep doing this.

Mom’s weirdness has finally gotten to the point where I can’t ignore it anymore. It’s turned her place from a safe haven into a spot that, honestly, I don’t even want to be.

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