Page 110 of If This Gets Out

“I know, but like… I don’t mind being out. In a lot of ways it’s been a relief. It’s fine.”

His stare drops down, and his shoulders slump a little.

“What?” I ask. “Did I say something wrong?”

“You never do.”

“Wait, what?”

“Sorry, that sounded harsher than I meant. I’m just really tired and crabby.”

“Do you need a nap?” I grin, but he doesn’t return it.

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay, I get it.”

He frowns, and turns over on his side. I lie back down and I shuffle closer, so we’re spooning, our bodies pressed together. I press a kiss to the back of his head.

“I just never know what you want,” he says quietly.

I hear alarm bells.

“What do you mean?”

He sighs. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

It sounds like I should worry about it, but I’m tired, too, and I’m really not in the mood for an intense evaluation of my feelings and motivations right now. Notnow.“Maybe I should go, so you can get some sleep?”

There’s a heavy pause. When Ruben replies, his voice is small. “Don’t.”

I pull him closer, trying to ignore the fact that, clearly, I’ve done something wrong, and I don’t know what it was.

“Okay.”

“Hey, guys,” says Angel in a black voice.

The three of us are sitting on Ruben’s bed, with a tablet on Ruben’s lap. To be honest, I was sort of expecting himto crack a joke, or at least smile, but he seems like a totally different person right now.

His arm and leg are both in a cast, and there’s a bandage stuck to the side of his temple, but he’s awake, and that sight relieves at least some of the tension I’ve been feeling these past few days.

“So,” says Angel. “Which one of you told them I have a drug problem?”

I glance at the others, who are all avoiding Angel’s stare.

Finally, Jon speaks up. “I told them I think you need help.”

Angel rolls his eyes and leans back. “Knew it. Iknew—”

“And you do,” Jon says over him. “You almostdied, Angel.”

“That could’ve happened to anyone.”

“It happened because you werehigh. You jumped off abalcony, Angel. Because you werehigh.”

“So did Zach and Ruben.”

“And if they got hurt it would’ve beenyour fault.”

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