Page 28 of If This Gets Out

“Yeah. Same. Although, mine’s pretty bad today. I waswastedlast night.”

I want to be a million miles away so I don’t need to navigate this fucking conversation. So I don’t have to see him looking at me like he’s gotten his hopes up and now I’m hurting him. Like I’ve led him on.

Holy fuck, I have. After all that shit with Christopher last year, using Ruben to figure himself out. And, what, it’s been aweeksince that straight guy at Angel’s party hit on him? Not to mention countless other encounters that have caused Ruben to shut down against the world, bit by bit. All the crappy dudes using and undervaluing him that pissed me off so much.

Now I’m one of them.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Even if I did want him last night, why did Iact on it?

“I assume you remember last night?” Ruben asks, and there’s maybe a sliver of hope left. “Notthatwasted, I hope?”

“Yeah, I remember,” I say. My face is flaming hot, and I know he can see it. “That was, um…” I clear my throat. “Kinda shitty.”

“Kinda shitty?” he repeats flatly.

“Yeah. I mean, like, I shouldn’t have kissed you. I was so drunk I wasn’t thinking straight.”A+ choice of words there.

Ruben opens his mouth, then shuts it. I think he has no idea how this is happening. And like, same.

Help. How the fuck do I save this without digging myself a bigger hole? Likethat’seven possible now.

“Okay,” I say. I go to put my hand on his leg, because normally I would, but instead I close my fist and tap it against the mattress. “I just, I’m really in my head right now, and I’m panicking, because you’re my best friend and I know you’ve been hurt by guys using you before, Iknowthat, and the last thing I want is to be that. So if there’s anything I can do to fix this, please let me know, I amallears. Please.”

“There’s nothing to fix,” he says finally. “I mean. It happens.”

“I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Well, okay. Maybe making out with your straight friend while drunk doesn’t happen all the time. But it did happen. So, maybe we just… pretend it didn’t?”

That sounds like a bad idea, but will also buy me some time. Whatever came over me last night might never happen again. This way, we can put it in the past, at least until it’s not so fresh. Categorize it under “dumb shit we did on tour.” Move on. It’s like a mini-crush. I probably won’t think of this once I like a girl.

My eyes meet his, and I’m about to agree, when I notice something. The morning sun has changed the color of his eyes to a sort of amber. Suddenly, all I want to do is kiss him again. I want to wrap my arms around him and to have him smile at me and to just lose myself with him.

Which means…

What exactly?

It means I need a fucking second. I don’t want to shut this down, but I don’t want to open it up. I want to breathe, and have some space, and try to sort through my thoughts without Rubenstaring at melike the world will end if I don’tsay the exact right thing. I need to figure this the fuck out, and then talk to him.

“Actually,” I say carefully. “Don’t freak out. But can we talk about this later? I don’t want to pretend it never happened, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it.”

He blinks slowly. “Like… when?”

“I just need a few days?”

“A few days to… what?”

Great question, Ruben.Excellentquestion. “I don’t know, okay. I really don’t. I just could use some space. Please don’t freak out, I just need some time.”

“I’m not freaking out.”

His voice is too sharp, so yep, he is.

This is bad. The way he’s looking at me right now is full of hurt. A part of me wants to say I’m into him, just so he’ll feel better.

I can’t lie, though, and saying anything before I’ve figured this out risks lying.

I feel sick.

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