Page 143 of If This Gets Out

It’s been so hard for me to believe that being adored doesn’t mean I’m one mistake away from being despised. But between Saturday, and Zach, and our fans, I think I’m starting to view things differently.

They love us. And I love them right back.

But more importantly, I think Itrustthem.

Zach’s voice is high and funny as he says, “Oh.” I look to find his eyes glassy, and I brush my thumb along his jaw. “I can’t believe they all…” He looks to the sky and sucks in a breath to steady himself. “I wasn’t sure. I wondered if they’d be mad at us for hiding it. Or for doing it in the first place.”

I understand the fear. I think I’m less surprised than Zach is, though. After years and years of wanting this, I’ve had ample time to study how fans react to celebrities coming out. Deep down, I did trust our fans to have our backs, for the most part.

What I wasn’t braced for was the sheer euphoria of seeing myself reflected back at me.Me,not a curated character with my face on it. It’s now hitting me, properly, that I did it. I came out. After all these years of wanting it, it’s happened.

At the crux of it, everyone wants the world to see them as they are. The truth isn’t the problem. The problem is that the world doesn’t always make the truth safe for us to share.

A splash as one of the kids cannonballs into the pool grabs my attention. The two children, maybethree- andfive-ish, are too young to recognize us. And if the parents recognize us, they sure aren’t that interested in staring. We’re just two guys chilling by the pool, like our entire worlds didn’t implode less than twenty-four hours ago.

Suddenly emboldened, I open a live video.

“What are you doing?”

“We’ve gone silent. They’re out there supporting us, and we’re silent. I don’t want to be. For the first time in my life, I don’t have to be.”

In response, he takes the phone out of my hand, checks himself over in the video preview, then presses Live before we’ve even had a chance to plan out what we’re going to say.

Okay, well, at least I appreciate his confidence and commitment?

He elbows me. Oh, great, so he can take the initiative with starting the recording with no warning, but I’m the one who has to kick off the speech. Got it.

“Hey, everyone,” I say. “It’s been… a weird day. This isn’t going to be a long message, but we wanted to check in with you and tell you we’ve been seeing the hashtags. We’ve seen the support. And… it means more to us than you’ll ever know. Yesterday was probably the most challenging dayeither of us have ever been through, and knowing you had our backs, and you still have our backs, is everything. We have so much love for every one of you.”

The view count is going up so quickly I can’t keep track of the numbers. Comments have started pouring in.

Omg omg omg omg

We love you too!!!!!!

Is EOE about zuben? Its zachs song right?????

SO GLAD YOUR BOTH OK

“Thank you all for speaking,” Zach says. “Thank you for being here from the start. And thank you most for being here when we needed you.”

“We don’t want to ask for more from you when you’ve already given so much,” I say. “But there are some people who might expect Saturday to fade out of the spotlight after yesterday. If the opposite of that were to happen? If you can help us? You could change everything. Right now, today, you have the power to change everything. You always have.”

Zach must like that as a note to end things on, because he shoots the camera a mischievous grin, leans in, and kisses me on the cheek as he ends the video.

“Subtle.” I laugh.

“I thought we were done with subtle.”

I lean my head against his shoulder. “Thank you for being the one to say it, yesterday,” I say suddenly.

I don’t think I need to tell him what it means to me to know for certain that we’re in this together. To not be sitting here analyzing his words and expressions, wondering if hesecretly resents me for telling the world about us. Even with all the fear and anxiety prickling at my skin right now, having him be all-in, no hesitations, helps. It means I’m not in this alone. That’s everything.

“No regrets?” he asks.

“None. You?”

“None.”

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