Page 131 of If This Gets Out

“I do. I’m here to say that I’ve heard you, and I’m going to work on what you said. I know I’m too passive. But I don’t want to be anymore. I know what I want, and it’s you.”

“Okay, but what does thatmean?”

“I want to bewithyou. To work through exactly this kind of thing, just, with you. And if you want to end things, that’s fine, and I’ll respect your decision. But I want to be with you more than anything else. All in. For the world to see. No more hiding. And, yes, ideally, I want to stay in the band, too. But if I can’t have both, then I pick you.”

He kicks at the ground. “That’s one hell of a speech.”

“I try. And listen, I am going to work on actually saying what I want. It’s not going to happen right away. It’ll take effort on my end. But I’m going to do it. Not to be with you, but because I need to. It’s what I want to do, and if you want to do it with me, that’s your decision.”

“So, what if I don’t?”

I falter. “Don’t what?”

“Want to do it with you. What would you do then?”

My voice is steady as I reply. “I’ve thought about it, and even if you don’t want to be with me, I’m still going to come out. I’ll never make it as a songwriter if I’m not allowed to write what I actually care about; I’ll always have one hand tied behind my back. And all that stuff I said about Saturday isn’t about Saturday. It’s about Geoff. I don’t want to leave the band, I love it, but I want to leavehim.Maybe we can’t, I don’t know. But I do know it’s what I want.”

He drops the flowers to his side. “Wow. This is the first time I’ve actually known where you stood.”

“Well, I mean it. I should do this more often, it feels great. I’m like, unstoppable.”

He laughs, finally smiling. “That sounds like a lyric you’d write in your notebook.”

“Ouch. Fair, though. Know any words that rhyme with unstoppable?”

“None come to mind.” He takes a deep breath, and his shoulders relax. “Thank you. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear all that.”

“So, we’re back on?”

“Zach, we weren’t off. I just needed to know you were walking by my side, not being, like, dragged along kicking and screaming.” He smiles, and steps closer. “Although, is it just me, or does this feel like the part in a movie where the music starts swelling and we make out in the rain?”

I glance around. There’s no music, just the faint chirping of crickets outside. I’ve always loved the sound.

“Oh really?” I ask. “So, should we, you know, do that?”

He grabs me by the shirt, pulls me to him, and kisses me.

Now that Ruben and I have decided to come out publicly, we made the joint decision to tell the rest of the band our plans.

It’s the morning after my big declaration, and we’re in Ruben’s bedroom with a Zoom call set up. Jon is already waiting, but Angel hasn’t requested to join, even though he’s seen the link in the group chat.

“You’re sure about this?” he asks.

“Completely. Are you?”

He nods.

Angel accepts the call, and then Ruben starts the meeting.

“Oh hey, nice hair,” says Angel.

“Thanks.”

“What’s up? Surely you didn’t just set this up to show us a haircut.”

I clear my throat. “Er, no, um, we have news. We’ve decided we want to come out publicly, even if Chorus won’t let us.”

“Oh shit.”

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