Page 24 of Perfect on Paper

I was about to retort, when my phone buzzed against the wood of my desk. I glanced at it, assuming it was Brougham updating me on the Winona situation, but it was Brooke. I snatched my phone up and opened the message.

Soooooo I have a lot to tell you.

Long story short, Ray came around

to help me write my essay. A Lot

Happened. When can I call?

“Oh my god,” I murmured. I half-expected Mom to ask what was wrong, but a brief glance up told me she’d already left. I reread it silently once, twice, three times. Each read-through, my stomach sank lower and lower, and my heart started a funeral march thud.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I tried desperately to think of another explanation for “A Lot.” A Lot Happened, we got the whole essay done? A Lot Happened, Mom got into a fight with Ray over her bad attitude and stupid face? A Lot Happened, we got to talking about our family trees and realized we’re cousins?

I told myself any of the above could be true. But I didn’t really believe it. Because something that should’ve occurred to me much earlier had finally become obvious.

Ray.

Ray of Sunshine.

Ray of Godforsaken Sunshine had found an excuse to talk to “her,” the her in question being Brooke,myBrooke. To hang with her. Realistically, there was only one thing A Lot was likely to be. Ray of Sunshine had made her move, like I’d instructed her.

And Irarelyhad to give people their money back.

With trembling hands, I started to bring up Brooke’s number, then I paused to breathe. I didn’t know if I was ready to hear what she had to tell me.

Seven months or so ago, at the end of sophomore year, Brooke had written in to the locker gushing about a girl she’d kissed. She wrote that it happened suddenly, while the two of them were setting up for an after-school event, and they hadn’t had the chance to debrief because others came into the room. And then in Brooke’s familiar, bouncy, cotton-candy handwriting, came the words “I think I really like her. What do I do next?”

I remembered the feeling that’d come over me all too well. Like someone had just run a bulldozer into a room filled with puppies and kittens right in front of me. Shock, and panic, and a rising nausea that threatened to force itself right out of my throat. And my heart tried to escape through my chest, screaming bloody murder. Because right around the time all this happened, I’d started wondering if maybe there was something going on with Brooke and me. There’d been a lot of meaningful glances, and loaded pauses, and casual finger brushing while we walked. And eye contact that went on, in my opinion, for way too long.

But I was sure as hell I hadn’t kissed Brooke without realizing it. So who the hell had?

I’d given Brooke a call, as casual as I could. Led the conversation toward the Q&Q Club fundraiser we’d put together earlier that week. The one Brooke had gone in with Jaz to prepare for. And she confirmed everything I already knew was true. Yes, she’d had a crush on Jaz for a while. Yes, they’d kissed. Yes, Brooke wanted it to go somewhere.

No, no, no. But then, why the lingering looks with me? The flirting with me? Had I misread the situation? Or could she like both of us, but Jaz was the one who’d made the first move? And then, filled with grief and jealousy and fear and panic, I did a thing I wasn’t proud of. I sent Brooke a response from the locker.

Dear BAMN765,

The best thing to do in this situation is act like it didn’t happen. Don’t bring it up, don’t flirt, and especially don’t let yourself get in a one-on-one position with this girl for a while. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if you end up one-on-one, things can get awkward, and nervousness makes us act flustered and weird. She might pick up on your vibes and feel like there’s an expectation—or, worse, desperation—there that would be majorly off-putting. Nothing kills a budding relationship faster than someone feeling pressured to keep things going too fast.

Don’t worry about putting her off: if she likes you, she’ll find a way to contact you and let you know her feelings. Justmake sure she’s the one doing the pursuing. Be cool, be casual, act platonic.

Brooke didn’t bring up the letter to me. She didn’t bring up Jaz again, either. I didn’t hear another word of it until a week later, when another letter ended up in the locker.

Dear Locker 89,

I’m a lesbian, and last week I kissed a girl I know and I thought she was into it. I happen to know she’s a lesbian as well so this isn’t a “was she just confused” letter. Since we kissed, though, she’s been avoiding me, and acting like it didn’t happen. She’s being friendly but only when we’re in groups, she hasn’t been close with me, hasn’t texted me, hasn’tmentionedthe kiss. I’m like did I fucking imagine this? Should I assume it wasn’t as good for her as it was for me, or should I try and reach out to her? I would’ve already but I lost confidence when she started acting all distant.

And, god help me, I replied.

Dear hellsbells05,

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it does sound like she probably wasn’t into it. It’s unusual behavior to act as though a kiss didn’t happen—especially if you’ve seen her around since—and if your gut tells you she’s avoiding being alone with you, you’re probably reading the situation right. In this case, my advice would be to move on unless she changes her behavior miraculously. You’ll have many first kisses in your life, and I promise most of them willturn out better than this one. You deserve someone who’s psyched to kiss you, and who can’t get enough of you, and who will call you immediately after to set up a time to hang out. Don’t lose your dignity by chasing after someone who’s made it clear they’re not psyched. You’re too good for that.

I’m sorry I don’t have better news.

And that had been that. Brooke made it clear she didn’t want me to bring up her kiss with Jaz when I tried to check in on her, so I kept quiet on the topic. And over the summer, Jaz met a girl at church, and they started dating seriously.

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